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T H E 

Way of the Wor ld 



As it is Afl:cd at the 

Theatre in Lincolns-Inn-Fields^ 


HIS M A J E S T Y's Servants. 
Written by Mr. CO NGREVE. 

Audire eft Opera pretium^ proccdere re£ie 

m£chis non vultis — — — Hor. Sat.i. 1. 1; 

— : Metuat doti depreiifa, Ibid. 

The Secokd Edition, Revifed. 

L H V K: 

Printed for Jacoi^ Tonfon ; and Sol J by "James Kn^ptdn at tfie 
Crown 'xn Sr.PWsChurch-yard^ Genrre Strahan over ai^ainft 
the Royal Exchange in Cornhill^ and Egbert Sanger the 
Poft-Houfe near the Temple-G^lQ'^in Fleeljtreet. i yo6. 

To the Right Honourable 

R A L P H 

Earl of MOUNT AGUE, &c 


WHether the World will ^irraign me of Vanity, or not, that 
I have prefum*d to Dedicate this Comedy to Your Lord- 
fhip, I am yet in Doubt: Tho' it may be it is fome de- 
gree of Vanity even to doubt of ir. One who has at any time had 
the Honour of Your Lordfliip*s Converfation, cannot be fuppos'd 
to think very meanly of that which he would prefer to your Pe- 
rufal: Yet it were to incur the Imputation of too much Sufficien- 
cy, to pretend to fuch a Merit as might abide the Teft of l^our 
Lordfhip's Cenfure. 

Whatever Value may be wanting to this Play while yet it is mine, 
will be fufficiencly made up to it, when it is once become Your 
Lordfhip's ; and it is my Security, that I cannot have over rated 
it more by my Dedication, than Your Lordfliip will dignifie it by 
Your Patronage. 

That it fuceeeded on the Stage, wis almoft beyond my Expe- 
ftation i for but little of it was prepared for that general Tafl:» 
which feems now to be predominant in the Pallars of our Audience. 

Thofc Charaftcrs which are meant to hz ridicul'd in moil of 
our Comedies, are of Fools fo grofs, that in my humble Opinion, 
they (hould rather difturb than divert the well-rtarur'd and rcflcft- 
ing Par: of an Audience-, they ^ire rather Qjjcds of Charity than 
Contempt i and inllead of mp>V)ing our Mirth, they ought very 
often to excite our Compaflion. 

This Rcfleflion mov'd me to defign fome Charafters, which 
(hould appear ridiculous not fomuch thro' a natural Folly (which 
is incorrigible, and therefore noc proper for the Stage) as thro* 
an affeded Wit-, a Wit, which at the fame time that it is affefted, 

A 2 is 

Ihe Dedication. 

is alfo falfe. As there is fome Difficulty in the Formation of a 
Charafter of this Nature, fo there is fome Hazard which attends 
the Progi-efs of its Succefs> upon the Stage : For many come to a 
Play, fo over- charged with Criticifm, that they very often let fly 
their Cenfure, when through their Raihncfs they have miftaken 
their Aim. This I had occafion lately to obferve: For this Play 
had been a£ted two or three Days, before fome of thefe hafty 
Judges cou'd find the leifiire to diftinguiOi betwixt the Charadler 
of a Witwoud and a Truewit, 

I murt beg Your Lordfhip's Pardon for this Digreffion from the 
true Courfe of this Epiftle^ but that it may not feem altogether^ 
impertinent, [ beg, that I may plead the Occafion of it, in part 
* of that Excufe of which I ftand in need, for recommending this 
Comedy to Your Proteftion. It is only by the Countenance of 
Your Lordfliip, and t]xz Few fo qualify'd, that fuch who write 
with Care and Pains cim hope to be diftinguiflVd: For theProfti- 
tuted Name of Toet promifcuoufly levels all that bear it. 

Terence^ the moft correft Writer in the World, had a Scipio and 
a Lelius if not to affift him, at leaft to fupport him in his Repu- 
tation : And notwithftanding his extraordinary Merit, it may be, 
their Countenance was not more than ncceflary. 

The Purity of his Stile, the Delicacy of his Turns, and the Juft* 
ncfs of his Charafters, were all of them Beauties, which the grea- 
ter Part of his Audience were incapable of Tafting: Some of the 
courfeft Strokes of Tlautus^ fo feverely cenfur'd Horace^ were 
more likely to atFeft the Multitude 5 fuch, who come with expe- 
ctation to laugh out the laft Aft of a Play, and are better enter- 
tained with two or three unfeafonable Jefts, than with the artful 
Solution of the Fable, 

As Terence exceli'd in his Performances, fo had he great Ad- 
vantages to encourage his Undertakings > for he built moft on the 
Foundations of Menander : His Plots were generally modell'd, 
and his Characters ready drawn to his Hand. He copied Menan-^ 
der i and Menander had no lefs Light in the Formation of his 
Characters, from the Obfervations of Theophrajius^ of whom he 
was a Difciplcj and Theophraftm if is known - was not only the 
Difciple, but the immediate Slic^ffor of -^r^e?//<f, the firft and 
greateft Judge of Poetry. Thefe -^tit great Models to defign by j 
and the further Advantage whichT^r^'^r^' poflcfs'd, towards giving 
his Plays the due Ornaments of Purity of Stile, and Juftnefs of 
Manners, was not lefs confiderable, from the Freedom of Con* 
verfation, which was permitted hi 1:1 with Lelius and Sciph^ two 


The Dedication. 

of the greatcft and mofl: polite Men of his Age. And indeed, the 
Privilege of fuch a Converfacion, is the only certain Means of at- 
taining to the Perfeftion of Dialogue. 

If It has h:ippen'd in any Part of this Comedy, that I have gain'd 
a Turn of Stile, or Expreffion more Correft, or at leaft more Cor- 
rigible than in thofe which I have formerly written, I muft, with 
equal Pride and Gratitude, afcribe it to the Honour of Your 
Lordfliip's admitting me into Your Converfation, and that of a 
Society where every body elfe was fo well worthy of You, in 
Your Retirement laft Summer from the Town: For it was imme- 
diately after, that this Comedy was written. If I have fail'd^n 
my Performance, it is only to be regretted, where there were fo 
many, not inferior either to a Scipio or a Lelius^ that there (hou d 
b,e one wanting equal to the Capacity of a Terence. 

If I am not miftaken, Poetry is almoft the only Art, which has 
not yet laid Claim to Your Lordfliip's Patronage. Architedure, 
and Painting, to the great Honour of our Country, have flourifti'd 
under Your Influence and Protection. In the mean time. Poetry, 
the eldeft Sifter of all Arts, and Parent of moft, feems to have re- 
fign'd her Birth- right, by having negleded to pay her Duty to 
Your Lordfliip J and by permitting others of a later Extraftion, 
to prepofTcfs that Place in Your Efteem, to which none can pre- 
tend a better Tick. Poetry, in its Nature, is facred to the-Good 
and Great > the Relation between them is reciprocal, and they are 
ever propitious to it. ' It is the Privilege of Poetry to addreis to 
them, and it is their Prerogative alone to give it Proteftion. 

This received Maxim, is a general Apology for all Writers who 
Confecrate their Labours to great Men: But L could wifli at this 
time, that this Addrefs were exempted from the common Pretence 
of all Dedications > and that as I can diftinguifli Your Lordfhip 
even among the moft Deferving, fo this Offering might become 
remarkable by fome particular Inftance of Refpedt, which fliouM 
afliire Your Lordfliip, that I am, with all due Scnfe of Your ex- 
tream Worthincfs and Humanity, 

My LORT>y 

Tour Lordjhi/s moft Obedient 
and moft Obliged Humble Servant y 

p R O L O G U E> 

Spoken by Mr. Better ton. 


F thofe few Fools, who with ill Stars are cmsd^ 
V p Sm-s fcribbing Fools, call'd Toets, fare the worji. 
f^thefre a fort of Fools whiclj^oxtxinQmakest 
And after fhe has made 'ern Fools, ffj^ikes^ 
With Nature'j Oafs 'tis quite a dtjfrent Cafy 
For Fortune favours all her Idioc-Race : 
In her own Neji the Cuckow-Eggs we find, _ 
O'er which fhe broods to hatch ike Changhng-Kmd. 
No Tortion for her own Jhe has to fpare. 
So much fie doats on hsr adopted Care. , 

'Poets are Bubbles, by the Town drawn tn. 
Suffer' d at firjl fime trifling Stakes to wm : 
But what unequal Hazards do they run! > 
Each ttme they write, they venture ah fhefye 'Won : > 
The 'Squire that's butter' d ft ill, is fare . - ce undone. J 
This Author, heretofore, has found your bavour. 
But pleads no Merit from his paft Behaviour. 
To build on that might prove a vain Trejumption, 
Should Grants to Toets made, admit Refamptton: 
And in ParnalTus he mujl lofe his Seat., 
Jf that be found a forfeited Eftate. ^ 

Fie oxvns, with Toil, he wrought the fo lowmg Scenes, 
But if they're naught ne'er ffare him for his Fatns : 
Damn him the mare; have no Commiferation 
For Dulnefs on mature Deliberation. , 
He pwears he'll not refent one hifsd-off Scene, O 
Nor, like thofe peevifb Wits, his 'Play maintain, ^ 
Who, to affm their Senfe, your Tafte arraign. ^ 
Some Plot we think he has, and fome new Thought i 
Some Humour too, no Farce-, but that's abault. 
Satire, he thinks, you ought not to expert. 
For (o Reform' d a Town, who dares torrent f 
To Pleafe, this time, has been his fole Pretence, 
■ He'll not inftruB, left it Jhould give Offence. 
Should he by chance a Knave or Fool expofe. 
That hurts none here, fure here are none of thoje. 
In fhort, our Play, Jhall (with your leave to fhew it) 
Give you one Inftance of a Pafftve Poet. 

I. .our '^ud.ments yields all Refignation; 

E P I L O G U 

Spoken by Mrs. Bracegirdk. 

AFter our Epilogue this Crowd difmiffes^ 
Tm thinking how this Tla/ll be puWd to Tieces. 
But fray conjider^ e'er you doom its Fall^ 
How hard a thing 'twould be^ to pleafe you all. 
There are fome Criticks fo with Spleen difeas'dy 
They fcarcely come inclining to be Tleas*d: 
Arid fure he mujl haue more than mortal Skilly 
Who pleafes any one againft his WilL 
Then^ all bad Toets we are fure are Foes\ 
And how their Number's fwell'd the Town well knovus : 
In Jhoals^ Pve marked *em judging in the Tit y 
Tho* they're on no Pretence for Judgment ft 
But that they have been Damn d for Want of Wit. 
Since when^ they by their awn Offences taught 
Set up for Spies on 'Playsy and finding Fault. 
Others there are whofe JMklice we*d prevent i 
Such^ who watch Tlaysy with fcurrilous Intent 
To mark out who by Characters are meant. 
And tho* no perfeh Likenefs they can trace y 
Tet each pretends to know the Copy 'd Face. 
Thefe^ with falfe Glojfes feed their own lll-nature^ 
And turn ia Libel, what was meant a Satire. 
May fuch malicious Fops this Fortune fndy 
To think themfelves alone the Fools defgn d: 
If any are fo arrogantly Vai% 
To think they fingly can fupport Scene>, 
And furnijh ¥ oo\ enough to entertain. 
For well the Learn d and the Judicious knowy. 
That Satire fcorns to Jloop fo meanly lowy 
As any one abftrafted Fop to Jkow. 
For^ as when Tainters form a matchlefs Fai^e^ 
They from each Fair One catch fome different Grace; . 
^ (Joining' Features in one or trait blend ^ 
To which no fingle Beauty miift pretend: 
S"" ^oets ofti d<) in one '^Piece expofe 
WLole Belles AJTciiibles of Cocquets and Be-^u^. 

Perfonae Dramatis. 

M E N. 

FainaU, la Love mth Mis. Marword. Mr. Betterton. 

Mirakell, In'Lovt^ithMrs.Milkmant, Mr. Ferbruggen. 

Sir Willfull Witwoud, Half Brother to Wit^\.. 

woud^ and Nephew to Lady Wtfifon. J UnderhilL 

Waitwelli Servant to Mirabelh Mr. Bright, 

O M E N. 

'L.^dy Wtjhforti Enemy to Mr rak//, for having r • / 
falfly pretended Love to her. ^ J ^^^<?^- 

Mrs. Millamant^ A fine Lady, TMiece to Lady 1 . ^ „ . ,^ 
and loves MirabelL J ^^^^ Bracegtrdle. 

Mrs. Marwoody Friend to Mr. Fainall^ and! » * n 
\\k^s MirabelL ^Uts, Barry. 

Mxs. Fainall, Daughter to Lady /^Tz/^r/, and-) 

Wife to Fainall^ formerly Friend to Mi->Mts. Bowman, 
rabell. 2> 

foible^ Woman to Lady Wijhfort. Mrs. Willis. 

Mincing^ Woman to Mrs. Millamant. Mrs. Trince. 

Dancers, Footmen, and Attendants. 


fhe time efual to that of the Prefentation. 


[ 1 ] 


Way of the World 

:v7 ^(ir . • ■• 


A Chocolate-Houfe. 


Mirabell and Fainall \RiJing from CardsP^ Betty waiting, 

Mirary^ y^O U are a fortunate Man, Mr. Fainall. 
Fain. Hvwe wc done ? 
* Mira. Whatyou^lea{c\ I'llplay on to entertain you. 

Fain. No, Til give you your Revenge another time, when you 
are not fo indifferent-, you are thinking of fomething clfe now, 
and play too negligently-, thcColdnefs of a lofingGamcfterlcflens 
the Plcafure of the Winner; Vd no more play with a Man that 
flighted his ill Fortune, than Td make Love to a Woman who 
undervalued the Lofs of her Reputation. 

Mira. You have a Tafte extrcamly delicate, and are for refi- 
ning on your Pleafures. 

Fain, Prithee, why fo rcferv*d.^ Something has put you out 
of Humour. 

Mira. Not at all : I happen to be grave to Day 5 and you are 
gay-, that's all 

Fain. Confefs, Millamant and you quarrell'd laft Night, after 
I left youj my fair Coufin has fome Humours that wou'd tempt 
the Patience of a Stoick. What, fome Coxcomb came in, and 
was well receiv'd by her, while you were by. 

Mira. Witwoud and petulant y and what was worfe, her Aunt, 
your Wife's Mother, my evil Genius ; or to fum up all in her 

own Name, my old Lady Wijhfort came in. 

B Fain, 

a ipe yvay oj me yvona: 

Fain. O there it is then -She has a lafting PalTion for 

you, and with Reafon. — What, then my Wife was there? * 
Mir a. YeS:, and Mrs. iif^rze^^^^ and Three or Four more, whom 
I never faw before ^ feeing me, they all put on their grave Faces, 
whifpcrd one another ^ then coijiplain'd aloud of the Vapours, 
and after fdi into a profound Silence. 
Fai?z, ..They bad a miqd to be rid of you. 
M^ral For which Reilbn I relclv:*d notftoftir. AtUp: the -|o^ 
old Lady broke thro' her painful Taciturnity, with an Invcfti 
againft long Vifits. I would not Rave underftood her, but Mil- 
lamant joining in the Argument, I rofe and with a conftrain'd 
Smile told her, I thought nothing was fo eafic as to know when 
a Vifit began to be tro^blefome > (he redeil'd and I withdrew, 
without expefting her Reply. 

Fdin, You were to blame to refent v/hatflie fpokeonly incom- 
pliance with her Aunt. 

Mira, She is more Miftrefs of her felf, than to be under the 
neccffity of fuch a Refignadoa. 

Fain, What? tho' half her Fortune depends upon her Mar- 
rying with my Lady s Approbation? 

Mira, I was then in fuch a Humour, that I (hou'd have been 
better pleas'd if flic had been leftdilcreet. 

Fain, Now I remember,! wonder not they were weary of you 5 
laft Night was one of their Cabal-Nights s they have 'em three 
times a Week, and meet by turns, at one another*s Apartments, t 
where they come together like the Coroner's Inqucft, to fit upon 
the murder'd Reputations of the Week. You and I arc excluded 5 
and it was once proposed that all the Male Sex fiiou'd be excepted ^ \ 
but Ibme body mov'd that to avoid Scandal there might be one | 
Man of the Community ^ upon which Motion V/ttwoud and Te- I 
lant were enrolled Members. 

Mira, And who may have been the Foundrefs of tliis Sed? 
M.'jL.^dy fVi/hfort-^ I warrant, who publifties her Deteftation 
of Mankind J and full of the Vigour of Fifty five, declares ^for 
a Friend and Ratafia ^ and let Pofterity ihift for it felf, (he'll breed 
no more. 

Fain. The Difcovery of your fliam Addrcfies to her, to con- 
ceal your Love to her Neicc, hasprovok'd this Separation : Had 
you diflTembrd better, Things might have continued in the State 
of Nature. 

Mira. I did as much as Man cou'd, with any rcafonable Con- 
fciencej I proceeded to the very laft Ad of Flattery with her^ and . 


The Way of the World. 9 

was guilty of a Song in her Commendation; Nay, I got a Fricn^ 
to put her into a Lampoon, and complement her with the Impu- 
tation of an Affair with a young Fellow, which I carry fo far, 
' that I told her the malicious Town took notice that (lie was grown 
fat of a fudden-, and when (he lay in of a Dropfic, perfuaded her 
(lie was reported to be in Labour. The Devil's in'r, if an old W o- 
man is to be flatter'd further, unlefs a Man fliou'd endeavour 
downright perfonally to debauch hcr^ and that my Virtue forbad 
me. But for the Difcovery of this Amour, { am indebted toyou4: 
Friend, or your Wife's Friend, Mrs. Marwood, 

Fain, What fnould provoke her to be your Enemy, without 
(he has made you Advances, which you have flighted.^ Women 
do not eafily forgive Omiffions of that Nature. 

Mir a. She was always civil to mc, 'till of late j I confefs I am 
not one of thofc Coxcombs who are apt to interpret a Woman's 
good Manners to her Prejudice j and think that (he who does not 
refufe *em ev'ry thing, can refufe 'em nothing. 

Fain, You arc a gallant Man, Mirabell-y and tho' you may 
have Cruelty enough, not to fatisfie a Lady's longing-, you have 
too much Generofity, not to be tender of her Honour. Yet you 
fpeak with an Indifference which feems to be affeftcdj and con- 
fcfles you arc confcious of a Negligence, 

Mira, You purfuc the Argument with a Diftruft that feems to 
be unaffeftedjand confeffcs you are confcious ofa Concern for which 
the Lady is more indebted to you than your Wife. 

Fain. Fie, fie Friend, if you grow Cenforious I muft leave you j 
I'll look upon the Gamcfters in the next Room. 

Mir a. Who are they > 

Fain. Petulant and IVitwoud — Bring me fomc Chocolate. \Fxit. 
Mir a. Betty what fays your Clock 

Bet. Turn'd of the laft Canonical Hour, Sir. \Exit. 

Mir a. How pertinently- the Jade anfwers wc! Ha.^ almoft one 

a Clock! \Looking en his Watch.'] O, y'are come 

Enter a Servant, 
Well ; is the grand A ffair over ? You have been fomething tedious. 

Serv. Sir, there's fuch Coupling at Tancras^ that they ftand 
behind one another, as 'twere in a Country Dance. Ours was 
the laft Couple to lead up 5 and no Hopes appearing of difpatch, 
bcfides, the Parfon growing hoarfe, we were afraid his Lungs 
would have fail'd before it came to our Turn 5 fo wc drove round 
to T>uke'S'7^lace j and there they were rivetted in a Trice. 

Mira. So* fo, vou arc furc thcv arc Married. 

4 7he Way of the World. 

Serv, Married and Bedded, Sir; I am Wirncfs. ' 
il//>^. Have you the Certificate ? 
Serv. Here it is, Sir. 

Mira. Has the Taylor brought WaUwell*^ Cloaths home, and 
the new Liveries ? 
Serv. Yes, Sir. 

Mira, That*s well. Do you go home again, d'ye hear, and 
adjourn the Confummation *cill farther Order- hidWain^eUfh^kc 
his Ears, and Dame ^Partlet ruffle up her Feathers, and meet mc 
at One a Clock by Rojamonds Pond 5 that I may fee her before 
flie returns to her Lady : And as you tender your Ears be fecret. 

{Exit Servant. 
Re 'Enter Fainall. ^ 

Fain, Joy of your Succefs, Mirabellj you look pleas'd. 

Mira. Ay-, I have been engag'd in a Matter of fomc fort of 
Mirth, which is not yet ripe for Difcovery. I am glad this is 
not a Cabal- Night. I wonder, Fainall^ that you who are Mar- 
ried, and of Confequcnce fliould be difcrcet, willfuffer your Wife 
to be of fuch a Party, 

Fain. Faith, I am not Jealous. Befides, moft who are engaged 
are Women and Relations j and for the Men, they are of a Kmd 
too Contemptible to give Scandal. 

Mira, I am of another Opinion, The greater the Coxcomb, 
always the more the Scandal : For a Woman who is not a Fool, 
can have but one Reafon for allbciating w^ith a Man that is. 

Fain, Arc you Jealous as often as you fee Witwoud entertained 
by Millamanti 

Mira. Of her Underftanding I am, if not ofherPerfon. 

Fain. You do her wrong-, for to give her her Due^fhe has Wit. 

Mira. She has Beauty enough to make any Man think fo 5 and 
Complaifance enough not to contradift him "who (hall tell her fo. 

Fain. For a paffionate Lover, mcthinks you are a Man fome- 
what too difccrning in the Failings of your Miftrefs. 

Mira. And for a difccrning Man, fomcwhat too pafiionate a 
Lover > for I like her with all her Faults j nay> like her for her 
Faults. Her Follies are fo natural, or fo artful, that they become 
her J and thofc AfFedlations which in another Woman wou'd beo- 
diou5, fervc but to make her more agreeable. Til tell th^c^ Fain- 
a//y (he once us'd me with that Infolence, that in Revenge I took 
her to pieces^ fifted her and icparated her Failings v Ifludy'd 'em, 
and got ''em by Rcte. The Catalogue was fo large, that I was 
not without Hopes, one Day or other to hate her heartily: To 

The Way of the World. s 

which end I fo us*d my fclf to think of 'cm, that at length, con- 
trary to my Defign and Expedtation, they gave me cv ry Hour 
left and leis Difturbancej 'till in a few Days it became habitual 
to me, to remember 'em without being difpleas'd. They arc now 
grown as familiar to me as my own Frailties j and in all probabi- 
lity in a little time longer 1 fnuU like 'em as well. 

Fain, Marry her, marry her^ be half as well acquainted with 
her Charms, as you are with her Defefts> and my Life on't, you 
are your own Man again. 

Mira, Say you Co? 

Fain* I, 1^ I have Experience : I have a Wife, and fo forth. 

Enter Mejfenger, 
Me(f. Is one Squire JVitwoud here > 
Bet, Yesj What's your Buiinefs.^ 

Meff. I have a Letter for him> from his Brother Sir Wilfully 
which I am charg d to deliver into his own Hands. 

Bet. He's in the next Room, Friend — Thar way. \ExitMeJ[. 

Mira. What, is the chief of that Noble Family in Town, 
Sir F/nfull WiPvuotid> - 

Fain. He is expe£ted to Day. Do you know him 

Mira. I have feen him, he promifcs to be an extraordinary Per- 
fon i I think you have the Honour to be related to him. 

Fain, Yes^ he is half Brother to this JVitwondh^ ^^oim^t 
Wife, who was Sifter to my Lady Wtjhforty my Wife's Mother. 
If you marry Millamant you muft call Coufins too. 

Mira, I had rather be his Relation than his Acquaintance. 

Fain, He comes to Town in order to Equip himfelf for Travel. 

Mira. For Travel! Why the Man that I mean is above Forty. 

Fain. No matter for thatj 'tis for the Honour of Englandy 
that all Europe (hould know we have Blockheads of all Ages. 

Mira. I wonder there is not an Acl: of Parliament to iave the 
Credit of the Nation, and prohibit the Exportation of Fools. 

Fain, By no means, 'tis better as 'cisj 'cis better toTradewith 
a little Lofs, than to be quite eaten up, with being overftock'd. 

Af/>^. Pray, are the Follies of this Knight-Erranc, and thofe 
of the Squire his Brother, any thing related? 

Fain. Not at all j IVitwoud grows by the Knight, like a Med- 
lar grafted on a Crab. One will melt in your Mouth, and t'other 
fet your Teeth on cdgcy one is all Pulp, and the other all Core. 

Mira. So one will be Rotten before he be Ripe, and the other 
will be Pv.otten without ever being Ripe at all. 

Fain. Sir WdfuU 'vi an odd Mixture of Baflifulncfs andObftina- 

6 The Way of the World. 

cy. — But when he's Drunk, he's as loring as the Monfter in the ' 
Tempeft-, and much after the fame manner. To give the t'other 
his dues he has fomething of good Nature, and does not always 
want Wit. 

Mir a. Not always-, but as often as his Memory fails him, and 
his common Place of Comparifons. He is a Fool with a good 
Memory, and fome few Scraps of other Folks Wit. He is one 
whofe Converfation can never be approved, yet it is now and 
then to be endur'd. He has indeed one good Quality, he is not 
Excepdousj for he fo paffionately affefts the Reputation of un- 
derftanding Raillery-, that he will conftrue an Affront into ajeftj 
and call downright Rudencfs and ill Language, Satire and Fire. 

Fain. If you have a mind to finifh his Picture ^ you have an 
Opportunity to do it at full length. Behold the Original. 

Enter Witwoud. . 

Wit. Afford me your Compaffion, my Dears > pity me, Fainally 
Mirabell^ picy me. 

Mir a. I do from my Soul. 

Fain. Why, what's the Matter 

iVit. No Letters for me, Betty ? 

Bet. Did not the MefTenger bring you one but now, Sir > 
Wit. Ay, but no other ,^ 
Bet. No, Sir. 

Wit. That's hard, that'^ very hardj-^ AMeffenger, a Mule, 

a Beaft of Burden, he has brought me a Letter from the Fool my 
Brother, as heavy as a Fanegyrick in a Funeral Sermon, or a Co- 
py of Commendatory Verfes from one Poet to another. And 
what's worfe, ^tis as fure a Foreruaner of the Author, as an 
Epiflle Dedicatory. 

Mir a. A Fool, and your Brother, ^/V'lc.w^! 

Wit. Ay, ay, my half Brother. My half Brother he is, no 
nearer upon Honour. 

Mir a. Then 'tis poffible he may be but half a Fool. 

Wit. Good, good Mirabelly le^rolel Good, good, hang him, 

don't let's talk of him > Fainally how docs your Lady? Gad, 

I fay any thing in the World to get this Fellow out of my Head. 
I beg Pardon that I (hou'd ask a Man of Pleafure, and the Town, 
a Queflion at once fo Foreign and Domcftick. But I Talk like 
an old Maid at a Marriage, I don't know what I fay: But flic's 
the beft Woman in the World. 

Fain. 'Tis well you don't know what you fay, or elfe your 
Commendation wou'd go near to make me cither Vain or Jealous. 

The Way of the World. 7 

fVit, No Man in Town lives well with a Wife but Fainall: 
Your Judgment MirabelL 

Mir a. You had better (tep and ask his Wife; if you wou'd be 
credibly informed. 

Wit. MirabelL 

Mira. Ay. 

Wit. My Dear, I ask Ten Thoufand Pardons i Gad I have 

forgot what I was going to fay to you. 
Mira. I thank you heartily, heartily. 

Wit, No, but prithee excufe me^ my Memory is fucha 


Mira, Have a care of fuch Apologies, Witwoud ; — for I never 
knew a Fool but he affcftcd to complain, either of the Spleen or 
hi3 Memory. 

Fain. What have you done ^\xS\Tetulant> 

Wit. He's reckoning his Mony, my Mony it was — 

have no Luck to Day. 

Fain. You may allow him to win of you at Play 5 — for you 
are fure to be too hard for him at Repartee: Since you monopo- 
lize the Wit that is between you, the Fortune mull bchisof Courfe. 

Mira. I don't find that petulant confeflcs the Superiority of 
Wit to be your Talent^ JVitwoud. 

Wit. Come, come, you are malicious now, and wou'd breed 

Debates. Tetulant's my Friend, and a very honeft Fellow> 

and a very pretty Fellow, and has a fmattering-l — Faith and 
Troth a pretty deal of an odd fort of a fmall Wit: Nay, Pll do 
him Juftice. Ym his Friend, I won't wrong him neither. — And 
if he had but any Judgment in the World, — —he wou'd not 
be altogether contemptible. Come, come, don't detraft from the 
Merits of my Friend. 

Fain. You don't take your Friend to be over-nicciy bred. 

Wit. No, no, hang him, the Rogue has no Manners at all,that 

I muft own No more Breeding than aBum-baily,thatIgrant 

you,' 'Tis pity faith > the Fellow has Fire and Life. 

Mira. What, Courage? 

Wit. Hum, faith I don't know as to that, 1 can't fay as to 

that. — Yes, faith, in a Controvcrfie he'll contradifl: any Body. 

Mira. Tho' 'twere a Man whom he fear'd, or a Woman whom 
he lov'd. 

Wit. Well, well, he docs not always think before he fpeaks; 

. We have all our Failings-, you are too hard upon him, you 

are faith. Let me cxcufc him, — I can defend moft of his Faults, 


8 Ihe Way of the World. 

except one or two-, one he has, that's the Truth on't, if he 

were my Brother, I cou'd not acquit him — -That indeed 1 

cou'd wifli were othcrwife, 

Mir a. Ay marry, what's that, Wttwoud> 

IVit. Q pardon me Expofe the Infirmities of my Friend. 

No, my Dear, excufe mc there. 

Fa'm. What I warrant he's unfincere, or *tis fome fuch Trifle. 

JVit, No, no, what if he be? *Tis no matter for that, his Wit 
will excufe that: A Wit fliou'dno more be fincere, than a Wo- 
man conftant-, one argues a Decay of Parts, as t'other of Beauty. 

Mir a. May be you think him too pofitiye.^ 

Wit, No, no, liis being politiye is an Incentive to Argument, 
and keeps up Converfation. 

Fain. Too illiterate. 

Wit. That! thats his Happinefs His want of Learning, 

gives him the more Opportunities to fliew his natural Parts. 
Mir a. He wants Words. 

Wit. Ay^ but I like him for that now 5 for his want of Words 
gives mc the Pleafure very often to explain his Meaning, 
Fain. He's Impudent. 
Wit. No, that's not it. 
Mir a. _Vain. 
Wit. No. 

Mira, What, he fpeaks unfeafonable Truths fomctimes>becaufc 
he has not Wit enough to invent an Evafion, 

Wit. Truths! Ha^ ha, ha! Nb, no, fince you will have it, — 
I mean, he never fpeaks Truth at al],— — ^ — That's all. He will 
lie like a Chambermaid, or a Woman of QuaUty's Porter. Now 
that is a Fault, 

Enter QoAchman. n 
Coach, Is Matter Tetulanthtxc^ Miftrefs? 
Bet. Yes. 

Coach. Three Gentlewomen in the Coach would fpeak with 

Fain. O brave Tetulant, Three ! 
Ba. I'll tell him. 

Coach. You muft bring Two Difbes of Chocolate and a Glafs 
of Cinnamon-water. [_Exit. 

Wit. That (hould be for Two fading Strumpets, and a Bawd 
troubled with Wind. Now you may know what the Three are. 

Mira. You are very free with your Friend's Acquaintance. 


The Way of the World. 9 

JVit, Ay> ay, Fricndfliip without Freedom is as dull as Love 
without Enjoyment, or Wine without Toafting-, but to tell you 
a Secret, thelc arc Trulls that he allows Coach-hire, and fomc- 
thing more by the Weck,to call on him once a Day at publick Places, 

Mira, How \ 

Wit. You (hall fee he won't go to *cm becaufe there's no more 

Company hereto take notice of him. -Why this is nothing to 

what he us'd to do^ — : — Before he found out this way, I have 
known him call for himfelf 

Fain, Gall for himfelf? What doft thou mean ? 

Wit, Mean, why hewoudflipyou out of this Chocolate-houfe, 

juft when you had been talking to him -As foon as your Back 

was turn'd-- — Whip he was gone 5 — Then trip to his Lodging, 
clap on a Hood and Scarf, and Mask, flap into a Hackney-Coach, 
and drive hither to the Door again in a trice 5 where he wou*dfend 
in for himfelf, that I mean, call for himfelf, wait for himfelf, 
nay and what's more,not finding himfelf, fometimes leave a Letter 
for himfelf. 

Mira, I confefs this is fomething extraordinary 1 believe 

he waits for himfelf now, he is fo long a coming j O I ask his 

Enter Petulant. 
Bet. Sir, the Coach ftays. 

TPet. Well, well 5 I come— Sbud a Man had as good be a pro- 
fefs'd Midwife as a profefs*d Whoremaftcr, at this rate-, to be 
knock'd up and rais*d at all Hours, and in all Places. Pox on 

'em I wont come. D'ye hear, tell 'em I won't come. 

Let 'em fnivel and cry their Hearts out. 

Fain, You are very cruel, Petulant. 

Tet. All's one, let it pafs 1 have a Humour to be cruel. 

Mira. I hope they are not Perfons of Condition that you ufc 
at this rate. 

Tet. Condition, Condition's a dry'd Fig, if I am not in Humour 

By this Hand, if they were your a— — a your 

What-dce-call-'ems themfelves, they muft wait or rub off, if 
I want Appetite. 

Mira. What- dec- call- *cms! What are they, TT/'^^^?//^? 

Wtt. EmprelTes, my Dear By your What-dcc-call-'cms he 

means Sultana Queens. 

Tet. Ay, Roxolana's. 

Mira. Cry you Mercy. 

Fain. Witwoud fays they arc—- — • 

C Tet. 

Tet. What does he fay th' are? 
Wit. r, fine Ladies I fay. 

Tet. Pafs on, Witwoud Harkee, by this Light his Re- 
lations — Two Coheireffes his Coufins, ana an old Aunt, that 
loyes Catterwauling better than a Conventicle. 

IFtt, Ha, ha^ ha ^ I had a Mind to fee how the Rogue wou'd 

come ofF Ha, ha, ha> Gad I can't be angry with him 5 if 

he faid they were my Mother and my Sifters. 

Mira. No! 

Wit. No > the Rogue's Wit and Readinefs of Invention charm 
me^ dear Tettdant. 

Bet. They are gone. Sir, in great Anger. 

Tet, Enough^ let 'em trundle. Anger helps Complexion, faves 

Fahi. This Continence is all diiTembled; this is in order to 
have fomething to brag of the next time he makes Court toMilla- 
mant^ and fwear he has abandon'd the whole Sex for her Sake. 

Mira. Have you not left off your impudent Pretenfions there 
yet? I flial! cut your Throat, fometime or other P^^///^;^^, about 
that Bufincfs. 

"Fet. Ay, ay,let that pafs — There are other Throats to be cut.— 
Mira, Meaning mine, Sir? 

Vet. Not I -I rnean no Body 1 know nothing. — But 

there are Uncles and Nephews in the World And they may 

be Rivals — What then? All's one for that — 

Mira, How ! Harkec Tetulant^ come hither- — -Explain, or 
I (hall call your Interpreter. 

Tet. Explain, I know nothing Why you have an Uncle, 

have you nor, lately come to Town, and lodges by my Lady 

Mira, True. 

Tet, Why that*s enough — You and he are not Friends j and 
if he fliou'd marry and have a Child, you may bedifinherited, ha? 

Mira. Where haft thou ftumbled upon all this Truth? 

Tet. Airs one for that^ why then fay I know fomething. 

Mira, Come, thou art an honeft Fellow Tetulant,, and fhalt 
make Love to my Miftrefs, thouflia't. Faith. What haft thou 
heard of my Uncle ? 

'Pet. I, nothing I. If Throats are to be cut, let Swords clafiij 
fnugs the Word, I (hrug and am filent. 

Mira, O Raillery, Raillery. Come, I know thou art in the 
Women's Secrets— —What you're ^ Cabalifti I know you ftaid 

The Way of the World. u 

it Millamanfs laft Night, after I went. Was there any Mention 
made of my Uncle, or me? Tell me^ if thou hadftbut good Na- 
ture equal to thy Wit Tetulanty 7ony Witwoudy who is now thy 
Competitor in Fame, wou'd (hew as dim by thee as a dead Whi- 
ting's Eye, by a Pearl of Orient; he wou'd no more be fecn by 
thee, than Mercury is by the Sun: Come, Tm fure thou wo*c tell 

'^Pet, If I do, will you grant me common Scnfe then, for the 

Mir a. Faith 111 do what I can for thee 5 and Til pray that Hea- 
ven may grant it thee in the mean time. 
Tet\ Well, harkee. 

Fain, Tetulant and you both will find Mirabell as warm a Ri- 
val as a Lover. 

Wit. Pfliaw, pfhaw, that (he laughs at TetuUnt is plain. And 

for my part- But that it is almoft a Faffiion to admire her, I 

fliou a-— Harkee — To tell you a Secret, but let it go no 

further — Between Friends, I fliall never break my Heart for her.- 

Fain. How ! 

Wit. She's handfomC} but (he's a fort of an uncertain Woman. 
Fain. I thought you had dy'd for her. 

Wit. Umh "No 

Fain. She has Wit. 

IVit. Tis what (he will hardly allow any Body elfe *NoWf 

Demme, I ffiou'd hate that, if Qie were as liandfome as Cleopatra. 
Mirabell is not fo fure of her as he thinks for. 

Fain. Why do you think fo? 

Wit. Wc ftaid pretty late there laft Night 5 arid heard fomething 

of an Uncle to Mirabell^ who is lately come to Town, and 

is between him and the beft part of his Eftatej Mirabell and he 
arc at fome Diftance, as my Lady Wijhort has been toldj and 
you know ihc hates Mirabell^ worfe than a Quaker hates a Par- 
rot, or than a FiQimonger hates a hard Froll. Whether this 
Uncle has fcen Mrs. Millamant or not, I cannot fay-, but therej 
were Items of fuch a Treaty being in Embrio and if it fliou'd' 
come to Life, poor Mirabell wou'd be in fome fort unfortunately 
fobb'd ifaith. 

Fain. 'Tis impollible Millamant fliould harken to it. 
Wit, Faith, my Dear, I can't tell j (he's a Woman and a kind 
of a Humorift. 

Mir a. And this is the Sum of what you cou*d colled laft Night. 

12 The Way of the World. 

Tet, The QuinteflenGC, May be fVitwoud kno>j^rs more, he 
jftay'd longer — — Befidcs they never mind himj they fay any 
thing before him. 

Mir a. I thought you had been the greateft Favourite. 

Tet, Ay teftea tefie j But not in pubUck, becaufe I make Remarks. 

Mir a. Do you. 

^et. Ay, ay, pox Pm mahcious, Man. Now he's foft you 

know, they are not in awe of him The Fellow's well bred, 

he's what you call a — What-d'ye-call-*em. A fine Gentleman, 
but he's filly withall. 

Mir a, I thank you, I know as much as my Curiofiry requires, 
F^/W//, areyouforthe A/^//? 

Fain, Ay, 111 take a Turn before Dinner. 

Wit. Ay,we11 all walk in the ParkjtheLadics talk'd of being there. 

Mira. I thought you were obliged to watch for your Brother 
Sir Wilfulh Arrival. 

Wit, No, no, he comes to his Aunt*s,my Lady Wijhforts pox 
on him* I (hall be troubled with him tooj what fliall I do with 
the Fool? 

Tet. Beg him for his EftatCi that I may beg you afterwards j 
and fo have but one Trouble with you both. 

Wit, O rare Tetulant^ thou art as quick as a Fire in a frofty 
Morning-, thou lhalt to the Mall with us^ and we'll bcvery fevcre. 

¥et. Enough, Tm in a Humour to be feverc. 

Mir a. Are you j Pray then walk by your felves, Let 

not us be acceflary to your putting the Ladies out of Countenance, 
with your fenfclcis Ribaldry i which you roar out aloud as often 
as they pafs by you ^ and when you nave made a handfome Wo- 
man blufii, then you think you have been fevere. 

Tet, What, what? Then let 'em either fliew their Innocence 
by not under (landing what they hear, or elfe (hew their Difcrcti- 
on by not hearing what they would not be thought tounderftand. 

Mira, But haft not thou then Senfe enough to know that thou 
ought'jft to be moft aflianVd thy felf, when thou haft put another 
out of Countenance. 

Tet, Not I, by this Hand 1 always take Blufhing either 

for a Sign of Guilt, or ill Breeding. 

Mira, I confefs you ought to think fo. You are in the right, 
that you may plead the Error of your Judgment in defence of 
your Prafticc. 

JVhere Mode fly's ill Manner ttis but fit 
That Impudence and Malice pafs for Wit. \Exeunt; 

A c /r 

Ihe Way of the World. 


averfe. While they are Lovers, if they have Fire and Seufe, their 
Jealoufies are infupportable : And when they ccafc to Love,(^we 
ought to think at leaft) they loath 5 they look upon us with Hor- 
ror and Diftaftej they meet us like the Ghofts of what we were, 
and as fuch fly from us, 

Mts.Mar. True, 'tis an unhappy Circumftance of Life, that 
Love fliou'd ever die before us j and that the Man fo often (hou'd 
out^livc the Lover. But fay what you will, 'tis better to be left, 
than never to have been lov'd. To pafs our Youth in dull In- 
difference, to refiifc the Sweets of Life becaufe they once muft ] 
leave us ; is as prcpofterous, ^s to wifli to have been born Old, 
becaufe we one Day muft be Old. For my part, my Youth may 
wear and wafte, but it (hall never ruft in my PoffeAion. 

Mrs. Fain. Then it fcems you diflcmble an Averfion to Man- 
kindr only in compliance with my Mother's Humour. 

Mrs. Mar, Certainly. To be free I have no Tafte of thofe 
infipid dry Difcourfes, with which our Sex of force muft enter- 
tain themfelves, apart from Men. We may affeft Endearments 
to each other, profefs eteriyl Friendfhip^^ and feem to dote like 
Lovers > but 'tis not in our Natures long to perfeverc. Love will 
refume his Empire in our Breafts, and every Heart, or foon or 
late, receive and readmit him as its lawful Tyrant. 

Mrs. Fain. Blefs me, how have T been deceived ! Why you 
profefs a Libertine. 

Mrs. Mar, You fee my Fricndfliip by my Freedom. Come, 
be as finccre, acknowledge that your Sentiments agree with mine. 
Mrs. Fain. Never. 
Mrs. Mar. You hate Mankind. 
Mrs. Fain. Heartily, Invcterately. 
Mrs. Mar. Your Husband. 

Mrs, Fain. Moft tranicendently-, ay, tho'I fay it, meritorioufly. 
Mrs. Mar. Give me your Hand upon ic 

$4 '^^y (f World. 

Mrs. Fain, There. * 

Mts. Mar, I join with youj what I have faid has been to try 
% yoH. 

Mrs. Fain. Is it po(Eble ? Doft thou hate thofe Vipers Men ? 

Mrs. Mar, I have done hating 'em > and am now come to dc- 
fpife 'em-, the next thing I have to do, is eternally to forget 'em. 

Mrs. Fain, There fpoke the Spirit of Amazon^ ^Tenthejilea, 

Mrs. Mar. And yet I am thinking fometimes, to carry my A- 
verfion further. 

Mrs. Fain, How.^ 

Mrs. Mar. Faith by Marrying s if I cou*d but find one that 
lov'd me very well, and would be throughly fenfible of ill Ufagej 
I think I fliou'd do my felf the Violence of undergoing the Cere- 

Mrs. Fain. You would not make him a Cuckold > 
Mrs. Mar. No 5 but Pd make him believe I did, and that's as 

\At%.Fain. Why had not you as good do it? 

Mrs. Mar. O if he fliou'd ever difcovcr it, he wou'd then 
know the worftj and be out of his Pain .; but I wou'd have him 
ever to continue uppn the Rack of Fear and Jcaloufie. 

Mrs. Fain. Ingenious Mifchief! Wou'd thou wert married to 

Mrs. Mar. Wou'd I were. 

Mrs. Fain. You change^ Colour. 

Mrs. Mar. Becaufel hate him. 

Mrs. Fain. So doL-, but I can hear him nam'd. But what Rea- 
fon have you to hate him in particular 

Mrs. Mar, I never lov'd himj he is, and always was infuffe- 
rably proud. 

Mrs. Fain. By the Reafon you give for your Averfion, one 
wou'd think it diflimbrd> for you have laid a Fault to his Charge, 
of which his Enemies muft acquit him. 

Mrs. Mar. O then it fcems you are one of his favourable Ene- 
mies. Methinks you look a little pale, and now you flufh again. 

Mrs. Fain. Do I.^ I think I am a little fick o'the fudden. 

Mrs. Mar. What ails you.^ 

Mrs. Fain. My Husband. Don't you fee^him.^ He turn'd fliort 
upon me unawares, and has almoft overcome me. 

Enter Fainall and Mirabell. 
Mrs, Mar. Ha, ha, ha j he comes opportunely for you, 
Mrs. Fain* For youi for he has brought MirMl with him; 

7he Way of the World. ^ 15 

Fain. My Dear. 
TMrs. Fain. My Soul. 

Fain. You don't look well to Day, Child. 

Mrs. Fain. D'y^ think fo? 

Mir a. He is the only Man that do's. Madam. 
'Mrs. Fain. The only Man that would tell me fo at leaft and 
the only Man from whom I could hear it without Mortification. 

Fain. O my Dear I am fatisfyM of your Tendernefs-, I know 
you cannot rcfent any thing from me; efpecially what is an ef- 
feflr of my Concern. 

Mrs. Fain. Mr. Mirabell.^ my Mother interrupted you in a plea- 
fant Relation laft Night: I wou*d fain hear it out. 

Mir a. The Perfons concerned in that Affair, have yet a tolera- 
ble Reputation — I am afraid Mr. Fainall will be Cenforious, 

Mrs. Fain. He has a Humour more prevailing than his Curio- 
fity, and will willingly difpence with the hearing of one fcanda- 
lous Story, to avoid giving an Occafion to make another by be- 
ing fcen to walk with his Wife. This way Mr. Mirabelly and I 
dare promife you will oblige us both. 

[Exeunt Mrs. Fainall ^^^^Mirabell. 

Fain. Excellent Creature! Well furc if I fliou'd live to be rid 
of my Wife, I fliou'd be a miferable Man. 

Mrs.AT^r. Ay! 

Fain. For having only that one Hope, the accomplifhment of 
it, of Confequence muft put an End to all my Hopes j and what 
a Wretch is he who mull furvive his Hopes ! Nothing remains 
when that Day comes, but to fit down and weep Mk^ Alexander^ 
when he wanted other Worlds to conquer. 

Mrs. Mar. Will you not follow *em.^ 

Fain. Faith, I think not. 

Mrs. Mar. Pray let us-, I have a Rcafon. 

Fain. You are not Jealous ? 

Mrs. Mar. Of whom? 

Fain. Of MirabelL 

Mrs. Mar. If I am, is it inconfiftcnt with my Love to yt>u 
that I anl tender of your Honour > 

Fain. You wou*d intimate theujas if there were a fellow-feeling 
between my Wife and him. 

Mrs. Mar. I think flie does not hate him to that degree (he wou'd 
be thought. 

Fain. But he, I fear, is too Infenfible. 

Mrs. Mar. It may be you arc deceived. 


i < 

i6 TheWayof the World. 

Fain. It may be fo. I do not now begin to apprehend it. 
Mrs. Mar, What? 

Fain. That I have been dcceiv'd Madam, and you arc falft. 

Mrs. Mar. That I am flilfe! What mean you? 

Fain. To let you know I fee through all your little Arts ^ 

Come, you both love him; and both have equally diflcmbl'd your 
Avcrfion. Your mutual Jealoulics of one another, have made 
you clafti 'till you have both ftruck Fire. I have feen the warm 
Confcllion red'ning on your Cheeks, and fparkling from your 

Mrs. Mar. You do me wrong. 

Fain. \ do not — 'Twas for my eafe to overfce and wilfully 
negleft the grofs Advances made him by my Wife; that by per- 
mitting her to be engag'd, I might ci^ntinuc unfufpeded in my 
Pleafures; and take you oftner to my Krms in full Security. But 
cou*d you think becaufe the nodding Husband would not wake, 
that e'er the watchful Lover flept! 

Mrs. Mar. And wherewithal! can you reproach me? 

Fain. With Infidelity, with loving of another, with Love of 

Mrs. Mar, 'Tis falfe. I challenge you to ihew aninftance that 
can confirm your groundlefs Acculation. I bate him. 

Fain. And wherefore do you hate him? He is infenfible and 
your Refcntment follows his Neglefti An Inftance ? The Injuries 
you have done him are a Proof: Your interpofing in his Love, 
What caufe had you to make Difcoveries of his^^pretended Paf- 
lion? To undeceive the credulous Aunt^ and be the officious Ob- 
ftaclc of his Match with Mtllamant ? 

Mrs. Mar, My Obligations to my Lady urg'd me : I had pro- 
fefs'd a Friendftiip to herj and could not fee her eafie Nature fo 
abus'd by that Diflembler. 

Fain. What, was it Confcience then .' Profefs*d a Friendfliip ! 
O the pious Friendfliips of the Female Sex ! 

Mrs. Mar, More tender, more fincere, and more enduring, 
than all the vain and empty Vows of Men, whether profeliing 
Love to us, or mutual Faith to one another. 

Fain, Ha, ha, ha; you are my Wife's t^^icnd too. 

Mrs. A/^r. Shame and Ingratitude! Do you reproach me? You, 
you upbraid me ! Have I been falfe to her, thro' ftrift Fidelity to^ 
you, and facrific'd my Friendfliiplto keep my Love inviolate^ 
And have you theBafcncft to charge me with the Quilt, imn^indi 
ful of the Mem! To you it fljou*d be meritorious, th;itl fi^vc 


The Way of the World. ly 

b€cn vicious. And do you rcftcft that Guilt upon me, which 
(hould lie buried in your Bofom ? 

Fain. You miCnterprcc my Reproof. I meant but to remind 
you of the flight Account you once could make of flrifteft Ties, 
when fct in Competirion with your Love to me. 

Mrs. Mar. 'Tis falfe, you urg*d ic with deliberate Malice — 
*Twa$ fpokc in fcorn, and I never will forgive it. 

Fain. Your Guilt, nor your Refentmcnt, begets your Rage. If 
yet you lov'd, you could forgive a Jealoufie: But you are itung 
to find you are difcover'd. 

Mrs. iW^r. Itfliallbc alldifcovcr'd. You too fliall be difcovcr'd 5 

be fure you (hall I can but be cxpos'd If I do it my felf I 

fliall prevent your Bafenefs. 

Fain\ Why, what will you do? 

]siTS.Marr Difclofe it to your Wife j own what has paft be- 
tween us. 

Fain^ Frenzy! 

Mrs. Mar, By all my Wrongs I'll do't — 111 publifli to the ' 
World the Injuries you have done me, both in my Fame and 
Fortune : With both I truflcd you, you Bankrupt in Honour, 
as indigent of Wealth. 

Fain. Your Fame I have prcferv'd; Your Fortune has been 
beftow'd as the Prodigality of your Love would have it, in Plea- 
fiires which we both have fliar'd.|^ Yet had not you been falfe, 
I had e'er this repaid it — 'Tis true — had you permitted J//>^^^// 
with Mtllamant to have ftoirn their Marriage, my Lady had been 
inccns'd beyond all- Means of Rcconcilctncnti Millamant had for- 
feited the Moiety of her Fortune j which then wou'd have dc- 

fcended to my Wife; r- And wherefore did I marry, but to 

make lawful Prize' of a rich Widow's Wealth, and fquander it on 
Love and you > 

Mrs. Mar. Deteit and frivolous Pretence. 

Fain. Death, am I not Married What's Pretence.? Am I not 
Imprifon'd, Fetter d ? Have I not a Wife > Nay a Wife that was 
a Widow, a young Widow, a handfome Widow and would be 
again a Widow, but that I have a Heart of Proof, and fomething 
of a Conftitution to buftlc thro* the Waysof Wedlock and this 
World. Will you yet be reconcird to Truth and me i 

Mrs. Mar. Impoflible. Truth and you are inconfiftent — I 
hate you, and (hall for ever. 

Fain. For loving you.? ^ 

D Mr5, 

1 8 7he Way of the World. 

Mrs. Mar. I loath the Name of Love after fuch UfagCj and' 
next to the Guilt with which you wou'd afpcrfc me, 1 fcorn you 
mort. Farewell. 

Fain. Nay, v/e uiufi not part thus. 

Mrs. Mar. Let me go. 

Fam, Come, Fm forry.^, 

Mrs. Mar. I care not Let me go — Break my Hands, do 

Yd leave 'em to get loofe. 

Fain. I would not hurt you for the World. Have I no other 
Hold to keep you here? 

Mrs. Mar. Well, I have deferv'd it all. 

Fain. You know I love you. 

Mrs. Mar, PuordiflemblingI — — Othat — ^ Well, it is not yet — 
Fain. ¥/hat? What is it not? What is it not yet? It is not 

yet too latC' 

Mrs. Mar. No, it is not yet too late 1 have that Com- 

Fain. Ic is to love another. 

Mrs. Mar. But not to loath, deteft, abhor Mankind, my fclf 
and the whole treacherous World. 

Fain. Nay, this is Extravagance— — -Come I ask your Pardon 

— No Tears — : — I was to blame, I cou'd not love you and 

be eafie in my Doubts— — ■ Pray forbear 1 believe you> Tm 

convinced I have done you wrong-, and any way, evVy way will 

make amends I'll hate my Wife yet more. Dam her, VW 

part with her, rob her of all /he*s worth, and will retire fcmewherc, 
any where to another World, Til Marry thee — — ^BepacifyM — 

'Sdeath they come, hide your Face, your Tears You have 

a Mask, wear ic a Moment. This way, this way, be perfuaded. 


Enter Mirabell and Mrs. Fainall. 

Mrs. Fain. They are here yet. 

Mir a. They are turning into the other Walk. 

Mrs. Fain. While 1 only hated my Husband, I could bear to 
fee him, but fince I have defpis'd him, he's too offcnfivc. 

Mira. O you fliould hate with Prudence. 

Mrs. Fain. Yes, for I have lov'd with Indifcretion. 

Mira. You fliou*d have juft fo muchDifguft for your Husband, 
as may be fufficient to make you rdifli your Lover. 

Mrs. Fain. You have been the Caufe that I have lov'd with- 
out Bounds, and wou*d you fet Limits to that >iverfion, of which 
you have been the Occafion ? Why did you make me marry this Man? 


^ The Way of the World. 19 

Mira. Why do we daily commit difagreeable and dangerous A- 
ctions? To lave that Idol Reputation. If the Familiarities of our 
Loves had produc'd that Confcquence, of which you were ap- 
prehensive, where could you have fix'd a Father's Name with Cre- 
dit, but on a Husband? I knew Fainall to be a Man lavilh of his 
Morals, an interefted and profclling Friend, a f^lfe and adefign- 
ing Lover^ yet one whofe Wit and outward fair Behaviour, have 
gam'd a Reputation with the Town, enough to make that Wo- 
man ftand cxcus'd, who has fuffer'd her feU to be won by his Ad- 
dreffes, A better Man ought not to have been facrific*d to the 
Occafion ^ a worfe had npt anfv/er'd to the Purpole. When you 
are weary of him, you know your Remedy. 

Mrs. bain, I oughc to ftand in fome Degree of Credit withyouj 

Mira, In Juftice to you, I have made you privy to my whole ' 
Defign, and put it in your Pow'r to ruin or advance my Fortune. 

Mrs. Fain, Whom have you inftruftcd to reprefent your pre- 
tended Uncle. 

Mira, Wailwell^ my Servant. 

Mrs. hain. He is an humbleServant to jfi?/^/^ my Mother's Wo- 
man j and may win her to your Intereft. 

Mira, Cai^ is taken for that She is won and worn by this 

time. They were married this Morning. 
• Mrs, Fain. Who? 

Mira. PFaitwell and Foible, I wou'd not tempt my Servant 
to betray me by trufting him too far. If your Mother, in hopes 
to ruin me, fliou'd confent to marry my pretended Uncle, he 
might like Mofca in the Fox^ ftand upon Terms > fo 1 m.ade him 
fure before hand. 

Mrs. Fain, So, if my poor Mother is- caught in a Contrad", 
you will difcover the Impofture betimes-, and releafe her by pro- 
ducing a Certificate of her Gallant's former Marriage. 

Mira. Yes, upon Condition fne confent to my Marriage v/ith * 
her Niece, and furrender the Moiety of her Fortune in her Poflcfiion. 

Mrs. Fatn. She talk'd laft Night of endeavouring at a Match 
between MiUamant and your Uncle. 

Mira. That was by Foible*$ Diredion, and my Inftrudion, 
that flic might Rem to carry it more privately. 

Mt^, Fain. Well, I have an Opinion of your Succcfs^ for I 
believe my Lady will do any thing to get a Husband and when 
(he has thiwS, which you have provided for her, I fuppofc flie will 
fubmit to any thing to get rid of him. 

D 2 Mira. 

20 The Wi^ cf t}^ Wcfld. 

Mira, Yes, I think the good Lady would marry any thing that ' 
refcmbrd a Man, rho' 'twere no more than what a Butler could 
pinch out of a Napkin. 

Mrs. Fam, Female Frailty ! We muft all come to it, if we lire 
to be Old, and feel the craving of a falfe Appetite when the true 
is decayed. 

Mira. An old Woman's Appetite is dcprav'd like that of a 

Girl 'Tis the Green-Sicknefs of a fecond Childhood and 

like the faint Offer of a latter Spring, fervcs but to ufner in the 
Fall 5 and withers in an afFefted Bloom. 

Mrs. Here's your Miftrefs, 

Enter Mrs. Millamant, Witwoud, Mincing. 

Mira, Here flie comes Ifaith full Sail, with her Fan ipread and 

her Streamers out, and a Shoal of Fools for Tenders Ha, 

no, I cry her Mercy. 

Mrs. Fain. I fee but one poor empty Sculler; and he tows her 
Woman after him. 

Mira. You feem to be unattended, Madam Yqu us'd to 

have the Beau-mond Throng after you 5 and a Flock of gay fine 
Pcrrukcs hovering round you. 

fVit, Like Moths about a Candle-— — I had like to have loft 
my Comparifon for want of Breath. 

Milla, O I have deny'd my felf Airs to Day. I have walk'd as 
faft through the Croud 

Wit. As a Favourite in Difgrace- and with as few Followers. 

Mi/la. Dear Mr. Witwoud^ Truce with your Similitudes : Fdr 
I am as fick of 'em ■ — 

IVit. As a Phyfician of a good Air 1 cannot help it. Ma- 
dam, tho' *tis againft my felf^ 

MUla, Yet again ! Mincing^ ftand between me ai^d his Wit. 

TVit, Do, Mrs, Mincing, like a Skreen before a great Fire. - I 
Gonfefs I do blaze to Day, I am too bright. 

Mrs. Fain. But dear Millamanty why were you fo long.^ 

Milla. Long! Lord, have I not made violent hafte.^ I have 
ask'd every living Thing I met for you > I have enquired after 
you, as after a new Fafliion. 

fVit. Madam, Truce with your Similitudes No, you met 

her Husband and did not ask him for her. 

Mtra, By your leave Witwoud^ that were like enquiring after 
an old Fafliion, to ask a Husband for his Wife. 

fFtt. Hum, a hit, a hit, a palpable hit, I confefs it. 

Mrs. Fain. You were drefs'd tiefore I catr.c abroad. 


7h€ Way of the World. %i 

Milla. Ay, that's true O but then I had 'Mincing^ 

what had I? Why was I fo long? 

Mine, O Mem, yourLafliip ftaid to perufe a Pacquct of Letters. 

Milla, O ay, Letters — 1 had Letters — I am perfccuted with 
Letters — I hate Letters— No BoJy knows how to write Let- 

tcrs> and yet one has 'em, one docs not know why They 

fcrve one to pin up one's Hair. 

Wit, Is that the way? Pray, Madam, do you pin up your Hair 
with all your Letters? I find i muH: keep Copies. 

Milla, Only with thofe in Verfc, Mr. IVinvoud. I never pin 
MP my Hair with Profe. I think I try'd once, Mincing. 

Mine. O Mem, I fliall never forget it. 

Milla, Ay, poor Mincing tift and tift all the Morning. 

Mine, 'Till I had the Cramp in my Fingers, Til vow Mem. And 
all to no purpofe. But when your Lafliip pins it up with Poetry, 
it fits fo pleafant the next Day as any Things and is fo pure and 
fo crips. 

Wit. Indeed, fo crips? 

Mine, You're fuch a Critick, Mr. Witwoud. 

Milla, Mirabelly Did not you take Exceptions laft Night? O 

ay, and went away -Now I think on't I'm angry No, 

now I think on't I'm pleas'd — ^— For I believe I gave you fomc 

Mira, Doe^ that plcafe, you ? 

Infinitely^ J love to give Pain. 

Mira. You would afleft a Cruelty which is not in your Na- 
ture^ your true Vanity is in the Power of pl£afing. 

Milla. O I ask your Pardon for that Ones Cruelty is ones ) 

Power, and when one parts with ones Cruelty, one* parts with 
ones Power ^ and when one has parted with that, I fancy ones • 
Old and Ugly. 

Mira, Ay, ay, fuffer your Cruelty to ruin the Object of your 

Power, to dcftroy your Lover- And then how vam, how loft 

a Thing you'll be i Nay, 'tis true : You are no longer handfome 
when you've loft your Lover 5 your Beauty dies upon thclnftant: 
For Beauty is the Lover'* Gift^ 'ris he beftows your Charms — 
Your Glafs is all a Cheat. The Ugly and the Old, whom the 
Looking-glafs mortifies, yet after Ccmm^ndation can beflatter'd 
by it, and difcover Beauties in it: For that refledts our Praifes, 
rather than your Face. 

Milla. O the Vanity of thefe Men I Faimll, d ye hear him > 
If they did noc command wi, we were nor handfome ! Now you 


22 the Way of the World. 

mufi: know they could not co rimc-nd one, if one was not hand- 

fome. Beauty the Lover s Gift-^^ Lord, what is a Lover, that 

it can give? Why one makes Lovers as faft as_pnc pleafc?, and 
they Hve as long as one pleafes, and they die as foon as one 
pleafes : And then if one pleafes one makes more. 

IVa. Very pretty. Why you make no more of making of 
Lovers, Madam, thin of making fo many Card-matches. 

Milla\ One no more owes ones Beauty ro a Lover, than ones 
AVit to an Eccho: They can but refleft what we look and fay- 
vain empty Things if we are filenc or unfeen, and want a Being. 

Mir a. Yet, to thofe two vain empty Things, you owe two 
the greateft Pleafures of your Life. 
Milla. Howfo? 

Mir a. To your Lover you owe the Pleafure of hearing your 
fel yes prais'd > and to an Eccho the Pleafure of hearing your fclves 

W'tt, But I know a L.ady that loves talking fo inceflantly, flie 
won't give an Eccho fair play 5 (he has that evcrlailing Rotation 
of Tongue, that an Eccho mufl: wait 'till ihe dies, bciore it can 
catch her laft Words. V 

Milla. O Fiftion '/PainalU let us leave thefe Men. 
Mira. Draw off fVitwoud. \_Afide to Mrs. Fainall. 

Mrs. /''/2:/;^. Immediately >- I Iwe^-Word or two for Mr. Wit- 

Mira. I would beg a little private Audience too — 

\_Exit Witwoud^;?^/ Mrs. Fainall. 
You had the Tyranny to deny me laft Night • tho' you knew I 
came to inipart a Secret to you that concerned my Love. 
Altlla. You fiw I was eng.^g'd. 

Mira. Unkind. You had the leifure to entertaja a Herd of 
Fools 5 Things who vifit you from their exceiliv:: Idlenefs> be- 
flo ving on your Eafincfs that Time, which is the Incumbrance 
of their Lives. ^^ow can you find Delight in.fuch Society? It is 
impofUblc they fliould admire you, they are not capable : Or if 
they were, it fhould be to you as a Mortificarion v for fure to 
ple.dc a Fool is fome degree of Folly. 

Milla. I pleafe my fclf ^Befidcs, fometimes to cOnverfc 

with Fools is for my Hedth. 

Mira, Your Health ! Is there a worfe Difvafe than the Con- 
verfution of Fools i 
Milla. Yes, the Vapours > Fools Jire Phjfick for it, next to 


7he Way of the World. 23 

Mir a. You arc not in a Courfe of Fools? 

MdU, Mirabell^ if you ptrfift in this ofFenfive Freedom — youH 

difpkafe mc 1 think I miift rcfolve after all, no: to have you 

We flian't agree. , 

Mira, Not in our Phyfick it may be. 

Milla, And yet ourDiftcmpcr in all likelihood will be the famc> 
for we (liall be lick of one another. I flian c endure to be repri- 
manded, nor inftruftedj 'tis fo diill to ad always by Advice, and 

fo tedious to be told of ones Faults 1 can't bear it. Well, I 

wont have you Mirabell Fm refolv'd 1 think You 

may go Ha, ha, ha. What wpuld you give, that you could 

help loving me? , 

Mira, 1 would give fomething that you did not know, I cou'd 
not help it. 

Milla, Come, don't look grave then. Well, what do you fay 
to me ? 

Mira. Ffay that a Man may as foon make a Friend by hisWir, 
or a Fortune by his Honefty, as win a Woman with Plain- dea- 
ling and Sincerity. . . 

Milla. Sententfous Mirabell I Prithee don't look with that vi- 
olent and inflpvihlp Fare VxVe. !^olomonj2XJ^:^^ m^x^ oLthc 
Child in an old Tageftry Hangjiig^ - 

Mira. ^ou are meriryT Madam, butTwould perfuade you for 
one Moment to be ferious. 

Milla. What, with that Face? No, if you keep your Coun- 
tenance, 'tis impoffible I fhou'd hold mine. Well, after all, there 

is fomething very moving in a love-fick Face. Ha, ha, ha 

Well I wont laugh, *don*t be peevifh-^ Heigho! Now Til be 

melancholy,, as mtlancholy as a Watch-light. Well Mirabell'^ if 
ever you will win m.c woo me now — —Nay, if you are fo tedi- 
ous, fare you well i 1 fee they arc walking away. 

Mira. Cm you not find in the variety of your Dilpolicion one 

Milla. To hear you tell mc Foible's marry'd, and your Plot like 
to fpeed — —No. 

Mira. But how you came to know it 

Milla. Unlefs by the help of the Devil, you can't imagine*, tin- 
lefs flic fliould tell me her felf. Which of the two it may have 
been, I will leave you to confidcr> and when you have done 
thinking of that, think of me. \Exit. 

Mira. I have fomething more Gone Think or you! 

To think of a Whirlwirdj tho' 'twere in a Whirlwind, were a 


24 51^^ of the World. 

Cafe of 0)ore fteady Contemplation a very Tranquility of Mind'' 
and Manfipn. A Fellow that lives in a Windmill? has not a more 
whimfital Dwelling than the Heart of a Man that is lodg'd in a 
Woman. There is no Point of the Compafs to which they can- 
rot turn, and by which they are not turn'd 5 and by one as well 
as another-, for Morion not Method is their Occupation. To 
know this, and yet continue to be in Love, is to be made wife 
from the Diftaces of Reafon, and yet pcrfevere to play the Fool 
by the force of Inftindi. — — O here come my»Pair of Turtles, — 
What, billing fo fweetly ! Is not Valentine's Day Over with yoa 
yet ? 

E?ner Waitweil and Foibie. 
Sirrah} Waitweil^ why fure you think you were marry'd for your 
own Recreation, and not for my Conveniency. 

Wait. Your Pardon, Sir. With Submiffion, we have indeed 
been folacing in lawful Delights^ but ftill with an Eye to Bufinefs, 
Sii'. I have inftrufted her as well as I could. If (he can take your 
Diredions as readily as my Inftruftions, Sir, your Affairs- arc in 
a profperous way. ^ / 

Mir a. Give you Joy, Mrs. Foible: 

Foib. O'las, Sir, Pm fo afham'd Pm afraid ray Lady has 

been in a Thoufand Inquietudes for me. But I proteft, Sir, I made 
as much hafte as I could. 

Wait. That (he did indeed, Sir. It was my Fault that flic did 
not make more. ' 

Mir a. That I believe. 

Foib. But I told my Lady as you inftrufted me, Sir. That I 
had a profpeft of feeing Sir Rowland your Uncle \ and that I 
-wou'd put her La(ti{hip's Pidure in my Pocket to (hew him 5 which 
I'll be fure to fay has made him fo enamour'd of her Beauty, that 
he burns with Impatience to lye at her Ladiftiip's Feet and 'wor- 
fliip the Original. 

Mtra. Excellent Foible! Matrimony has made you eloquent in 

, Wait. I think flie has profited. Sir. I think fo. 
Foib. You have feen Madam Millamant^ Sir ? 
Mira. Yes. 

Foib. I told her, Sir, becaufe I did not know that you might 
find an Opportunity > (he had fo much Company iaft Night. 
Mira. Your Diligence will merit more — —In the mean time — 

[Gives Monj. 

Foib. O dear Sir, your humbl? Servant. 

• / Watt. 

Ihe fray of we yvmd. 

Walt, Spoufe. 

Mir a. Stand off Sir, not a Penny — Go on and profpcr, loi- 

yis The Leafe fliall be made good and the B'arm ftock'd, if 

we fucceed. 

Foib. I don't queftion your Generofity, Sir: And you need 
not doubt of Succefs. If you have no more Commands, Sir, Pli 
be gonci I'm fure my Lady is at her Toilet, and can't drefs 'till 

I come. -O dear, Tm fure that [^Looking out. '\ v^zsMrs.Mar- 

is^ood that went by in a Mask 5 if Ihe has feen mc with you I'm 
fure flie'll tell my Lady. I'll make hafte home and prevent her. 
Your Servant Sir. B'w'y WaitwelL \_Exit Foible. 

fVait, Sir Rowland if you pleafe. The Jade s fo pert upon her 
Preferment (he forgets her felf 

Mir a. Come Sir, will you endeavour to forget your felf 

and transform into Sir Rowland, 

Wait . Why Sir 'y it will be impoflible I fliou'd remember my 
felf— — Marry 'd, Knighted and attended all in one Day! 'Tis 
enough to make any Man forget him felf The Difficulty will be 
how to recover my Acquaintance and Familiarity with my former 
felfi and fall from my Transformation to a Reformation into 
WaitwelL Nay, I (lian't be quite the fame Waitwell neither — for 
now I remember me, I'm marry 'd, and can't be my own Man again. 
• Ay there's my Grief', thafs the fad Change of Life ; 
To lofe my title^ and yet keep my Wife, \Exeimt. 


A Room in Lady Wiflifort'j Houfe. 

Lady Wiftifort at her Toilet^ Peg waiting. 

Lady, T\ iC Erciful, no News of Foible yet? 
IVl "P^g^ No, Madam. 

Lady. 1 have no more Patience If I have not fretted my 

felf 'till I am pale again, there's no Veracity in me. Fetch me the 
Red the Red, do you hear. Sweet-heart? An errant Afh co- 
lour, as rmaPcrfon. Look you how this Wench ftirs! Why 
doft thou not fetch me a little Red ? Didft thou not hear me, 
Mopus ? 

E "Peg. 

26 Ihe Way of the tVofld. 

Teg, The red Ratafia does your Ladiftiip mean, or the Cher- 
ry-Brandy? . ' 

Lady, Ratafia^ Vqq\. No, Fool, ^ot the Ratafia^ Fool-^ 
Grant me Patience ! I mean the Spaiiijh Paper, Idiot, Complexi- 
on Darling. Paint, Paint, Paint, ddft thou underftand that, 
Changeling, dangling thy Hands like Bobbins before thee. Why 
doft thou not ftir, Puppet? thou wooden Thing upon Wires. 

Teg, Lord, Madam, your Laaifhip is fo impatient — —I can- 
not come at the Paint, Madam i Mts. Foible has lock'd it up, and 
carry 'd the Key with her. 

Lady, A Pox take you both Fetch me the Cherry-Brandy 

then \^Exit Peg.] -Pm as pale and as faint, I look like 

Mrs. §uaimfick the Curate's Wife, that's always breeding—— 
Wench, come, come, Wenth, what art thou doing. Sipping? 
Tailing ? Save thee, doft thou not know the Bottle? 

Enter Peg with a Bottle and China Cup. 
Teg, Madam, I was looking for a^Iup. 
Lady, A Cup, fave thee, and what a Cup haft thou brought ! 
Doft thou take me for a Fairy to drink out of an Acorn ? Why 
didft thou not bring thy Thimble ? Haft thou ne'er a Brafs-Thim- 
ble clinking in thy Pocket with a bit of Nutmeg? I warrant thee. 
Come, fill, fill. — So— again. See who that is— -[One knocks^ 
Set down the Bottle firft. Here, here, under the I'^ble— What 
would'ft thou go with the Bottle in thy Hand like a Tapfter. As 
Fm a Perfon, this Wench has Hv d in an Inn upon the Road, 
before flie came to me, like Maritorne's the Afturian in T>on 
Quixote, No Foible yet ? 

Teg, No Madam, Marwood. 

Lady, O Marwood^ let her come in. Come in good Marwood, 
Enter Mrs, Marwood. 

Mrs. Mar. Vm furpriz^d to find your Ladifliip in dijhabille at 
this time of day. 

Lady. a loft Thing J has been abroad fince Morning, 

and never heard of fince. 

Mrs. Mar, I faw her but now, as I came mask'd through the 
Parle, in Conference with Mirabell. 

Lady. With Mirabell I You call my Blood into my Face, with 
mentioning that Traitor. She durft not have the Confidence. I 
fent her to negoti.ite an Aff'air, in which if Pm detefted Pm un- 
^ done. If that wheadling Villain has wrought upon Foible to de- 
left me, Pm ruin'd. Oh my dear Friend, Pm a Wxetch of Wretch- 
es if Pm deteftcd. 


Ihe Way of the World. 27 

fAts.Mar. O Madam, you cannot fufpeft Mrs. i^^/^/^f's Integrity. 

'Lady. O5 he carries Poifon in his Tongue rhat would corrupt 
Integrity it fclf. If fhc has given him an Opportunity, flic has as 
good as put her Integrity into his Hands • Ah d^^t Marwoody 

what's Integrity to an Opportunity ? Hark ! I hear her 

Go you Thing and fend her in.^\^Exit Peg.] — Dear Friend re- 
tire into my Clolet, that I may examine her with more Freedom — 
You'll pardon mc dear Friend, I can make bold with you- — There 
are Books over the Chimney — paries and "Pryn^ and the Short 
Ktew of the Stagey with Bunyan's Works to entertain you. 

[Exit Marwood. 

Enter Foible. 

Foible J where haft thou been? what haft thou been doing? 
Foii?. Madam, I have fccn the Party. 

Lady, But what haft thou done ? 

Foib. Nay, 'tis your Ladilhip has done, and are to do-, I have 
only promis'd. But a Man fo cnamoui'd — fo trsnfpcrted'! Well, 
if worfiiipping of Piftures be a Sin -Poor Sir Rowland^ 1 fay. 

Lady. The Miniature has been counted like. But haft 

thou not betray 'd me. Foible? Haft chou not deteded me to that 

faithlefs Mirabel!? What hadft thou to do with him in the 

Park? Anfwer m€, has he got nothing out of thee? 

Foib. So, the Devil has been before-hand with me, what ftiall 

1 fay? -Alas, Madam, cou'd I help it, if I m,et that confi- 
dent Thing? Was I in Fault? If you had heard how he us'd me, 
and all upon your Ladifnip's Account, I'm fure you wou d not 
fufpect my Fidelity. Nay, if that had been the worft I could 
have born: But he had a Fling at your Ladiihip tooj and then I 
could not hold : But i'faith I gave him his own. 

Lady. Me? What did the filthy Fellow fay? 

Foib, O Madam 5 'tis a Shame to fay what he faid With 

his Taunts and his Fleers, toffing up his Nofe. Humh (fays he) 
what you arc a hatching fome Plot (fays he) you arc fo early a- 
broad, or Catering (fays he} ferreting for fome disbanded Offi- 
cer I warrant Half Pay is but thin Subfiftancc (fays he) 

Well, what Penfion does your Lady propofc? Let me fee (fays 
he) what (he muft come down pretty deep now, (he's fuperannu- 
atcd (fays he) and 

Lady. Ods my Lift, I'll have him, Pll have him murdered. Ill' 
have him poifon'd. Where does he cat ? Pll marry a Drawer to 
have him poifon'd in his Wine. Til fend for Robin from Lockfts 
- Immediately. 

28 7he Way of the World. 

Foib. Poifonbim? Poifoning's too good for him. Starve him, 
Madam, ftarvehimj mzxry Sit Rowlandy and get him difinhcri- 
ted. O you would blefs your felf, to hear what he faid. 

Lady, A Villain, fuperannuatcd ! 

Foih, Humh (fays he) I hear you are laying Defigns againft 
me too (fays he) and Mts.Millamant is to marry my Uncle-, (he 
docs noc fufpcft a Word of your Ladiflnp^) but (f^ys he) I'll 
fit you for that, I warrant you (fays he) 111 hamper you for that 
(fays he) you and yojr old Frippery too (fays he) FU handle 

Lady, Audacious Villain! handle me, wou'd he durft — Frip- 
pery r old Frippery ! Was there ever fuch a foul-mouth'd Fellow ? 
I'll be marry 'd to Morrow, I'll be contrafted to Night. 

Foib, The fooner the better, Madam, 

Lady. Vs 'A\ Six Rowland h^htrcy fay 'ft thou? when, Foible? , 

Fotb, Incontinently, Madam. No new Sheriff's Wife expefts 
the Return of her Husband after Knighthood, with that Impati- 
ence in w^hich Sir Rowland burns for the dear Hour of kiding 
your Ladifliip's Hand after Dinner. 

Lady, Frippery ! Superannuated Frippery ! I'll Frippery the 
Villain J Til reduce him to Frippery and Rags : A Tatterdemalli- 

on 1 hope to fee him hung with Tatters, like a Long-Lane 

Pent-houfe, or a Gibbet-Tbief. A flander-mouth'd Railer : I 
warrant the Spendthrift Prodigal's in Debt as much as the Milli- 
on Lottery, or the whole Court upon a Birth-Day. I'll fpoil his 
Credit with his Tailor. Yes, he (hall have my Niece with her 
Fortune, hefliall. 

Foib. He! I hope to fee him lodge in Ludgate firft, and angle 
into Black Friars for Brafs Farthings, with an old Mitten. 

Lady, lij dt2iT Foible ; thank thee for that, dc^x Foible, He 
has put me out of all Patience. I (hallrievcr recompofe my Fea- 
tures, to receive Sir Rowland with any Oeconomy of Face. This 
Wretch has fretted me that I am abfblutely decayed. Look Foible, 

Foib, Your Ladifhip has frown'd a little too rafhly, indeed Ma- 
dam. There are (bme Cracks difcernable in the white Vernifli. 

Lady. Let me fee the Glafs Cracks, fay'ft thou? Why I 

am arrantiy flea'd 1 look like an old pecl'd Wall Thou muft 

repair me, Foible^ before Six Rowland comes > or I (hail never 
keep up to my Pifturc. 

Foib, I warrant you, Madam > a little Art once made your Pi- 
cture like you-, ana now a little of the fame Art niuft make you 
like your Pifture. Your Pidture muft fit for you, Madam. 
" Lady, 

The Way of the World. 29 

Lady. But art thou fure Sit Rowland will not fail to come? Or 
will a not fail when he does come? Will he be Importunate, Foible^ 

and pu(h? For if he (hould not be Importunate -I (hall never 

break Decorums -I fhall die with Confufion, if I am forc'd 

to advance -Ob no, I can never advance — —I fliall fwoon if 

he (hould expeft Advances. No, I hope Sir Rowland is better 
bred, than to put a Lady to the ncccffity of breaking her Forms. 

I won't be too coy neither. 1 won't give him Oefpair - 

But a little Difdain is not amifsj a little Scorn is alluring. 

Foib, A little Scorn becomes your Ladifliip. 

Lady, Yes, but Tenderncfs becomes me bed: A fort of a 

Dyingnefs — You fee that Pifture has a fort of a Ha Foible? 

A Swimmingnefs in the Eyes Yes, Til look fo My Niece 

afFefts it; but (he wants Features. Is Sir Rowland h^ndfomQ } 

Let my Toilet be remov'd I'll drefs above. Til receive Sir 

Rowland here. Is he handfome ? Don't anfwer me. I won't 
know: I'll be furpriz'd. Til be taken by Surprize. 

Foib, By Storm, Madam. Sir Rowland's a brisk Man. 

Lady. Is he! O then he'll Importune, if he's a brisk Man. I 
(hall fave Decorums if Sir Rowland importunes. I have a mortal 
Terror at the Apprchenfion of offending againfl: Decorums. O 
Tm glad he's ^ brisk Man. Let my Things be remov'd, good 
Foible. [Exit. 

Enter Mrs. Fainall. 

Mrs. Fain. O Foible^ I have been in a Fright, left Ifliould come 
too late. That Devil, Marwood^ faw you ni the Park with Mi-- 
rabelly and I'm afraid will difcover it to my Lady. 

Foib. Difcover what, Madam? 

Mrs. Fain, Nay, nay, put not on that ftrange Face. I am 
privy to the whole Defign, and know that fVaitwelly to whom 
thou wert this Morning marry'd, is to per fomtc Mirabells Uncle, 
and as fuch winning my Lady, to involve her in thofe Difficulties 
from which Mirabell only muft releafe her, by his making his 
Conditions to have my Coufin and her Fortune left to her own 

Foib. O dear Madam, I beg your Pardon. It was not my 
Confidence in your Ladidiip that was deficient \ but I thought 
the former good Correfpondence between your Ladifliip and 
Mr. Mirabell^ might have hinder'd his communicating this Secret. 

Mrs. Fain. Dear Foible^ forget that. 

Foib. O dear Madam, Mr. Mirabell is fuch a fweet winning 
Gentleman — But your Ladifhip is the Pattern of Genetofity. — • 


30 The Way of the World. 

Sweet Lady, to be fo good! Mr, Mirabell cannot chufe but be 
grateful. I find your Ladifliip has his H.cart ftilh Now, Mad^m, 
1 can fafely tell yoiirLadifhip our Succefss^rzi^^W had told 
my Lady > but I warrant I managed my fclf. I turn-d it all for 
the better. I told my Lady that Mr. Mirabell rail'd at her. I 
laid horrid Things to his Charge, Til vow> and my Lady is fo 
incensed, that ftiell be contrafted to Sir Rowland to Night, (he 
fays J — warrant I work'd her up, that he may have her for 
asking for, as they fay of a Weljh Maiden^ head, 
Mrs. Fain, O rare Foible ! ' 

Foib, Madam, I beg your Ladifliip to acquaint Mr. Mirabell of 
his Succefs. I would be fecn as little as poffible to fpeak to 

him,- befides, I bclieyc Madam Marwood watches me.-— — ^ 

She has a Month's Mind 5 but I know Mr. Mirabell can't abide 

j^er. — ^ [Enter Footman.'] John remove my Lady's Toilet. 

Madam, your Servant. My Lady is fo impatient, I fear flie'U 
come for me, if I ftay. 

Mrs, Fain. TU go with you up the back Stairs, left I fliould 
meet her, [Exeunt. 

Enter Mrs, Marwood. 
Mrs. Mar. Indeed, Mrs. Engine, is it thus with you? Arc you 
become a go-between of this Importance ? Yes, I (hatll watch you. 
Why this Wench is the T afs-par-tout ^ a very Mafter-Key to every 
Body's ftrong Box.->ivly Fnend tainalU have you carry 'd it fo 
fwimmingly i I thought there was fomcthing in it > but it fcems 
it's over with you. Your Loathing is not from a want of Appetite 
then, but from a Surfeic. Elfe you could never be fo cool to fall 
from a Prinxipal to be an Affiilant; to procure for him ! A Pat- 
tern of Gencrofity, thatlconf fs. Well, Mr. FainalU you have 

met with your match. O Manj Man! Woman, Woman! 

The Devil's an Afs: If Lwere a PaiiiCer, i would draw him like 
an Idiot, a Drivekr, with a Bib and Bells. Man fliould have his 
Head and Horns, raid Woman the reft of him. Poor fimple 
Fiend ! Madam Marv:oad lias a Month's Mind, but he cant abide 

V her -'Twcre better for him you had not been his ConfeiTorj 

in that Affair > without you could have kept his Counfel clofcr. 
I fliall not prove another Pattern of Gcnerofity, and ftalk for 
him, *cil! he takes his Stand to aim at a Fortune, he has not 
oblig'd me to that, with thofe Exccflcs of himfelf j and now I'll 
have none of him- Here comes the good Lady, panting ripe> 
with a Heart full of Hope, and a ^lead full of Care^ like any 
Chymifl upon the Day of Projeftion. / 


ihe Way of the World. 31 

Enter Lady Wiflifort. 

Lady. O dear Marwood what Pnall j fay, for this rude Forget- 
fulnefs — - But my dear Friend is all Goodnefs. 

Mrs. Mar. No Apologies, dear Madam. I have been very 
well entertained. 

Lady. As Fm a Perfon I am in a very Chaos to think I fliou'd 
fo forget my felf — But I have fuch an Olio of Affairs really I 

know not what to do SCalls^ — Foible T expedmyNe^ 

phew Sir fr/y^^//^ev'ry Moment too: Why Foible — He means 

to Travel for Improvement. 

Mrs. Mar. Methinks Sir WillfuU fliould rather think of marry- 
ing than Travelling at his Years. I hear he is turn'd of Forty. 

Lady. O he's in Icfs Danger of being fpoiPd by his Travels — 
" Lam againft iti^ Nephew's marrying too Young. It will be time 
enough when he comes back, and has acquir'd Difcretion to chuft 
for himfelf 

Mrs. Mar, Methinks Mrs. Millamant and he wou'd make a vc-' 
ry fit Match. He may Travel afterwards. 'Tis a Thing very 
ufual with young Gentlemen. 

Lady. I promifc you I have thought ont And fmce *tis 

your Judgment, I'll think gn't again. I affure you I will; I va- 
lue your Judgment extreamly. On my Word Til propofe it. 

Enter Foible. 

Come, come Foible- I had forgot my Nephew will be here be- 
fore Dinner — ^ I muft make haftc. v 

Fotb. Mr. Witwoud and Mr. Tetulant^ are come to Dine with 
your Ladilhip. 

Lady. O Dear, I can't appear till I am drefs'd. Dear Mar-^ 
wood I be free with you again, and beg you to entertain 
*cm. I'll make all imaginable hafte. Dear Friend excufe me. . 

\_Exit Lady and Foible. 
^ Enter Mrs. Millamant and Mincing, 

Milla, Sure never any thing was fo Unbred as that odious Man. 
Marwood^ your Servant. 

Mrs. Mar. You have a Colour, wl:^t's the matter? 

Milla. That horrid Fellow Petulant ^ has provok'd me into a 

Flame 1 have broke my Fan Mincing-^ lend mc yours 

Js not all the Powder out of my Hair 

Mrs. Mar. No. What has he done.^ 
• Miila. Nay, he has done nothings he has only talk'd — Nay, 
jie has faid nothing neither i but he has concradidcdcv'ry Thing 
that has been faid. For mypaxt, I thought Witivoud and he 
woud have quarrelled, ■ Mrni\ 

3 2 Tlje Way of the World. 

Mine, I vow Mein, I thought once they wou'd have fit. 

MilU, Well/tis a lamenrable thing I fwear, that one has not 
the Liberty of chufing one's Acquaintance as one docs ones 

Mrs. Mar, If \vc had the Liberty, we fhou'd be as weary of 
one Set of Acquaintance, tho' never fo good, as we are of one 
Suit, tho' never fo fine. A Fool and a 'Doily Stuff wou'd now 
and then find Days of Grace, and be worn for Variety 

Miila, I could confenc to wear 'em, if they wou*d wearalike j 

but Fools never wear out -They are fuch "Drap-du-berry 

Things! Without one cou'd give 'em to ones Chamber-maid af- 
ter a Day or two. 

Mrs, Mar. Twere better fo indeed. Or what think you of 
the Play-houfe? A fine gay glofly Fool fhou'd be given there, 
like a new masking Habit, after the Mafquerade is over, and we 
have done with the Difgiiife. For a Foors Vifit is always aDif- 
guiie^ and never admitted by a Woman of Wir, but to blind her 
Affair with a Lover of Senfc. If you wou'd but appear bare- 
faced now, and own Mirabell-^ you might as eafily put off ^etu- 
~ lant and Witwoud^ as your Hood and Scarf And indeed 'tis 
time, for the Town has found it: Jl he Secret is grown too big 
for the PreL<nc2; 'Tis like Mrs. Pr/Wrs great Beljy > fhe may 
lace ir djwn before, but it burniiTirs on her Hips. Indeed, Mil^ 
lamant^ you can no more conceal it, than my l^^ily Strammelczn 
her Face, that goodly Face, v>^hich in Defiance of her Rhenifli- 
wine Tea, will not be comprehended in a Mask. 
^ Milla, ill take my X^t^Xx-.^Marwood., you are more Cenforious 
than a decay'd Beaucy, or a difcardedT o afL ^ Mincing'^ tell the 
Men they may comelipr My Aunt is not dreffing^ their Folly is 
Icfs provoking than your Malice. The Town has found it. \Exit 
Mincing.] What has it found? That MV^^^?// loves me"is no 
more a Secret, than it is a Secret that you difcover'd it to my 
Aunt, or than the Reafon why] you difcover'd it is a Secret. 
Mrs. Mar. You are nettPd. 
Mill YouYe miftaken.y Ridiculous J ^ 

Mrs. Mar. Indeed, myDcar, youir tear another Fan, if you 
Cdon't jmtigatc thofg. violent Airs. , 

Mill. O filly ! Ha, ha, ha. I cou'd laugh immoderately. Poor 
Mirabelll His Conflancy to me has quite deftroy'd hisComplai- 
fance for all the World befide. I fwear, I never enjoin'd it him, 
to be fo coy ——If I had the Vanity to think he wou'd obey 


The Way of the World. 53 

me-, I wou*d command him to (hew more Gallantry — *Tis 

hardly well bred to be fo paji kular on one Hand, and fo infcnfi- ^ 
blc one the other. But I defpair to prevail, and lo let faim toJ- 
low his own Way. Ha, ha, ha. Pardon mc, dear Creature, I mufir 
laugh, ha, ha, ha ; tho' I grant you *tis a little barbarous, ha, ha, ha. 

Mrs. Mar. What pity 'tis, fo much fine Railery, and deliver'd 
with fo fignificant Gefture, fliou'd be fo unhappily direded to 

Milla. ¥{x> Dear Creature I ask your Pardon 1 fwcar I 

did not mind you. 

Mrs. Mar, Mr. Mirabell and you both mty think it a Thing 
impoffible, when I (hall tell him by telling you- — 

Milla, O dear, what ? for it is the fame thing, if I hear it 

Ha, ha, ha. 

Mrs. Mar. That I dcteft him, hate him. Madam. 
' Milla. O Madam, why fo do I- — -And yet ehe Creature loves 
mc> ha, ha, ha. How can one forbear laughing to think of it — 
I am a Sybil if I am not amazed to think what he can fee in me.x 
ril take my Death, I think you a re handfomcr— — and with jiLa^^ 
Year or two as young.— *If you cou'd but itay tor mc, I (hou'd 

overtake you But that cannot be Well, that Thought 

makes me melancholy rN ow Til be fad. ^ — 

Mrs. Mar, Your merry Note may be chang'd fooner than you 

Milla, D'ye fay fo? Then Pm refolv*d Pll have a Song to keep 
up my Spirits. 

Enter Mincing. 
Mine. The Gentlemen ftay but to Comb, Madam 3 and will 
wait on you. 

Milla, Defire Mrs. that is in the next Room to fing the 

Song I wou'd have learnt Yefterday. You (hall hear it, Madam 

Not that there's any great matter in it But 'tis agreeable 

to my Humour. 

S O N G. 

Set by Mr. John Eccles, and Sung by Mrs, Hodgfon. 


LOVERS but the Frailty of the Mind^ 
When *tis net with Ambition joiridi 
A fickly Flamcy which if not fed expires ; 
And feedings wajies in Selfconfuming Fires. 

F n.'Ti^ 

34 The Way of the World. 


*Tis not to wound a wanton Boy 

Or am*rous Touthy that gives the Joy j 
But 'tis the Glory to have pierced a Swain ^ 
For whom inferior Beauties Jtgh'd in vain. 


Then I alone the Conquejl prize ^ 

IVhen I infult a Rival's Eyes : 
If there's T^e light in Love^ ^tis when 1 fee 
That Heart which others bleed fory bleed for me. 

Enter Petulant and Witwoud. 

Milla. Is your Animofity composed, Gentlemen? 

Wit, Raillery, Raillery, Madam, we have no Animofity 

We hit off a little Wit now and then, but no Animofity 

The falling out of Wits is like the falling out of Lovers We 

agree in the main, like Treble and Bafe. Ha, Tetulant ! 

Tet. Ay in the mam But when I hav^ a Humour to con- 


ff^a. Ay, when he has a Humour to contradift, then I contra- 
dift too. What, I know my Cue. Then we comradidt one ano- 
ther like two Battle-dores : For Contradidions beget one another 
like Jews, 

"Pet. If he fays Black's Black If I have a Humour to fay 

'tis Blue Let that pafs -All's one for that. If I have a Hu- 
mour to prove it, it muft be granted. 

PTtt. Not pofitively muft But it may It may. 

¥et. Yes, it pofitively muft, upon Proof poficive. 

fFit. Ay, upon Proof pofitive it muft 5 but upon Proof pre- 
furaprive it only maj^. That's a Logical Diftinction now, Riadam. 

Mrs. Mar. 1 perceive your Debates are of Importance, and ve- 
ry learnedly handl'd. ' 

Tet. Importance is one Thing, and Learning's another 3 but a 
Debate's a Debate, that I afl;ert. 

Wit, Tetulanfs an Enemy to Learnings he relies altogether on 
his Parts. 

T^et, No, Pm no Enemy to Learning it hurts not me. 

Mrs. Mar. That's a Sign indeed its no Enemy to you. 

Yet. No, no, it's no Enemy to any Body, but them that have 


Milla. Well, an illiterate Man's my Averfion. I wonder at the 
Impudence of any illiterate Man, to offer to make Love. 


The Way of the World, 

Wit. That I confcfs I wonder at too. 
Milla. Ah ! to marry an Ignorant ! that can hardly Read or 

Tet, Why fliould a Man be ever the further from being Marry'd 
tho* he can't read, any more than he is from being Hang'd. Ihc 
Ordinary's paid for fetting the Tfalm^ and the Parifh-Prieft for 
reading the Ceremony. And for the reft which is to follow in 

both Cafes, a Man may do it without Book So alPs one for 


MilU. D ye hear the Creature ? Lord, here's Company, III be 
gone. \Exeunt Millamant and Mincing, 

JVit, In the Name of Bartlemew and his Fair, what have we 

Mrs. Mar. *Tis your Brother, I fancy. Don't you know him? 

Wit. Not I- Yes, I think it is he I've almoft forgot 

him J I have not feen him fincc the Revolution. 

Enter Sir Willfull Witwoud in a Country Riding Habit ^ and 
Sfrvant to Lady Wiflifort. 

Serv, Sir, my Lady's drelling. Here's Company j if you pleafe 
to walk in, in the mean time. 

Sir Will. Drefling ! What it's but Morning here I warrant with 
you in London j we ftiould count it towards Afternoon in our 

Parts, down in Shropjbire — Why then belike my Aunt han't 

din'd yet Ha, Friend > 

Serv. Your Aunt, Sir? 

Sir WtlL My Aunt, Sir, yes my Aunc, Sir, and your Lady, 
Sir; your Lady is my Aunt, Sir — Why, what do'ft thou not 
know mc, Friend? Why then fend fome Body here that docs. 
How long haft thou liv'd with thy Lady, Fellow, ha! 

Serv. A Week, Sir> longer than any Body in the Houfe, ex- 
cept my Lady's Woman. 

Sir Will. Why then belike thou doft not know thy Lady, if 
thou fee'ft her, ha Friend ? 

Serv. Why truly Sir, I cannot fafely fwcar to her Face in a 
Morning, before (he is drefs*d. *Tis like I may give a flircwd 
gucfs at her by this time. 

Sir Will Well, prithee try what thou canft do-, if thou canft 
not guefs, enquire her out, do'ft hear, Fellow ? And tell her, her 
Nephew, Sir WillfullWitwoud^ is in the Houfe. 

Serv. I (hall, Sir. 

Sir Will. Hold ye, hear me. Friend j a Word with you in your 
Ear, prithee who are thcfe Gallants? 

F 2 Sirv. 

36 7he Way of the World. 

Serv. Really, Sir, I can't tell j here come fo many here, 'tis 
hard to know 'cm all . [_Exit Servant. 

Sir IVill. Oons this Fellow knows lefs than a Starling 5 I don't 
think a knows his own Name. 

Mrs. Mar. Mr. Witwoud^ your Brother is not behind Hand in 
Forgetfulnefs 1 fancy he has forgot you too. 

JVtt. I hope fo 'The Devil take him that remembers firft, 


Sir IVilL Save you Gentlemen and Lady. 

Mrs. Mar. For fliame, Mr. Wiiwoudy why won't you /peak to 

him.^ And you, Sir. 

Wit. Tetulant {pczk. 
¥et. And yoU| Sir, 

Sir /^/7/. No Offence, I hope. [*SW/«/^'j Marwood, 

Mrs. Mar. No fure. Sir. 

Wit. This is a vile Dog, I fee that already. No Offence ! Ha, 
ha, ha, to him j to him 'Petulant^ fhioke him. 

"Pet. It feems as if you had come a Journey, Sir ; hem, hem. 

\_Surveying him round. 
Sir WilL Very likely, Sir, that it may feem fo. 
Tet. No Offence, I hope. Sir. 

Wit. Smoke the Boots, the Boots 5 Tetulantj the Boots j Ha, 
ha, ha. 

Sir Will. May be not. Sir-, thereafter as 'tis meant. Sir. 

Tet. Sir, I prefumc upon the Information of your Boots. 

Sir WilL Why, 'tis like you may, Sir: If you are not fatisfy'd 
with the Information of my Boots, Sir, if you will flep to the 
Stable, you may enquire further of my Horfe,' Sir. 

Tet. YourHorfe, Sir! Your Horfe is an Afs, Sir! 

Sir Will. Do you fpeak by way of Offence, Sir > 

Mrs. Mar. The Gentleman's merry, that's all, Sir S'life, 

we fhall have a Quarrel betwixt an Horfe and an Afs, before they 
find one another out. You muft not take any thing amifs from 
your Friends, Sir. You are among your Friends here, tho' it 

may be you don't know it If I am not miftaken, you are 

Sir Wfllful JFit^LVOud. 

Sir Wi/l. Right, Lady-, I am Sir Willful/ Witwoudyfo I write my 
felf J no Offence to any Body, I hope 5 and Nephew to the Lady 
Wtjhfort:, of this Manfion. 

Mrs. Mar. Uon'tyou know this Gentleman, Sir,^ 

Sir Will. Hum! What, fure 'tis not ^Yca by'r Lady, but 

'tis 'Shcart I know not whether 'tis or no — ^Yea but 'tis, 

^ ... ■ by_ 

7 he Way of the World^^^^^^ 

by the Rekin, ^totVti Anthony I What Tony^ Ifaithf What do'ft 
thou not know me? By'r Lady nor I thee, thou art fo Becravatcd, 

and fo Beperriwig'd 'Sheart why do'ft not fpeak? Art thou 


Wtt, Odfo Brother, is it you ? Your Servant, Brother. 

SitlVill. Your Servant ! Why yours. Sir. Your Servant again — - 

*Shcart, and your Friend and Servant to that And a 

Qpuff^^ and a Flap Dragon for your Service, Sir: And a Hare*s 
Foot, and a Hare's Scut for your Service, Sir j an you be fo cold 
and fo courtly ! 

fVit, No Offence, I hope, Brother. 

Sir IVilL 'Sheart, Sir, but there is, and much Offence. 

A Pox, is this your Inns o' Court Breeding, not to know your 
Friends and your Relations, your Elders, and your Betters.^ 

Wit. Why, Brother Willfull of Salop^ you may be as (horf as a 
Shrewsbury Cake, if you pleafe. But I tell you, 'tis not modiih 
to know Relations in Town. You think you're in the Country, 
where great lubberly Brothers flabber and kifs one another when 
they meet, like a Call of Serjeants- — Tis not the Fafhion 
here j ^cis not indeed, dear Brother. 

Sir Will. The Falhions a FooU and you're a Fop, dear Bro- 
ther. 'Sheart, I've fufpeftcd this- By'r Lady I conjeftur'd 

you were a Fop, fince you began to change the Stile of your Let- 
ters, and write in a fcrap of Paper gilt round the Edges, no 
broader than a Subpana, I might expcft this, when you left off 
Honoured Brother j and hoping you are in good Health, and fo 

forth To begin with a Rat me, Knight, I'm fo fick of alaft 

Nights Debauch — — O'ds Heart, and then rell a familiar Tale of 
a Cock and a Bull,and a Whore and a Bottle, and fo conclude — 
You could write News before you were out of your Time, when 
you liv'd with honeft 7umple-Nofe the Attorney oi Furnival's 

Inn You cou'd inrreat to be remember'd then to your 

Friends round the Rekin. We could have Gazetts then, and 
gawks' s Letter, and the Weekly- Bill, 'till of late Days. 

^ef. 'Slife, tVitwoud^ were you ever an Atcorncy s Clerk ^ Of 
the Family of the Furnivals. Ha, ha, ha ! 

IVit. Ay,, ay, but that was for a while. Not long, not long> 
pfhaw, I was not in my own Power then. An Orphan, and this 
Fellow was my Guardian j ay, ay, I was glad to confent to that 
Man to come to London. He had the Diipofal of me then. If I 
had not agreed to that, I might have been bound Prentice to a 
Felt-maker in Shrewsbury:^ this Fellow would have bound me to 
a Maker of Felts. Sic 

38 7he Way of thelWm'ld. 

Sir prtll. 'Shearr, and better than to be bound to a Maker of 
Fopsi where, I fuppofe, you have ferv'd your Time 5 and now 
you may fet up for your felf. 

Mrs. Mar. You intend to Travel, Sir, as I'm inform'd. 

Sit mil. Belike I may, MadaitJ. I may chance to fail upon 
tie fait Seas, if my Mind hold. , ^ 

Tet. And the Wind fervc. 

Sir ra. Serve or not ferve, I (han't ask Licenfe of you, Sir • 
nor the Weather-Cock your Companion. I direft my Difcourfc' 
to the Lady, Siti 'Tis like my Aunt may have told you, Madam 

Yes, I have fettl'd my Concerns, I may fay now, and 

am mmdcd to fee Foreign Parts. If an how that the Peace holds 
whereby that is Taxes abate. ' 

UrslMar. I thought you had defign'd for France at all Ad- 
ventures. • 

Six Will. I can't tell that i 'tis like I may, and 'tis like I may 
not. I am fomewhat dainty in making a Refolution — bccaufc 
when I make it I keep it. I don't ftand (hill I, fliall I,' then} if I 
%'t, I'll do't: But I have Thoughts to tarry a Cnall matter in 
Town, to learn fomewhat of your Z</«^i> firft, before I crofs the 
Seas. I'd gladly have a fpice of your French as they fay, where- 
by to hold Difcourfe in Foreign Countries. 

Mrs. Mar. Here is an Academy in Town for that ufe 
Sir Will. There is > 'Tis like there may. 
Mrs. Mar. No doubt you will return very much improv'd 
Wit. Yes, refin'd like a T>utch Skipper from a Whale-fifliine 

Enter LadjfWiMon and ¥3.inA\. 
Lady. Nephew, you are welcome. 
Sir Will. Aunt, your Servant. 
Fain. Sir Willfully your moft faithful Servant. 
Sir Will Coufin Fainall, give me your Hand. 
Lady. Coufin Witwoud, your Servant 5 Mr Tetulanty your 

Servant. Nephew, you are welcome again. Will you 

dnnk any Thing after your Journey, Nephew, before vou eat.? 
Dmner's almoft ready. 

Sir Will. I'm very well I thank you. Aunt — However, I thank 
vou for your courteous Offer. 'Sheart I was afraid you wou'd 
have been in the Fafliion too, and have remember'd to have for- 
got your Relations. Here's your Coufin Tony, belike, I may'nt 
call him Brother for fear of Offence. 

Lady. O he's a Rallier, Nephew -My Coufin's a Wir 

And your great Wits always rally their beft Friends to chufe 


The Way of the World. 39 

When you have been abroad, Nephew, you'll undcrftand Raille- 
ry bette r. [Fain, and Mrs. Marwood talk apart. 

Sir fVtlL Why then let him hold hib' Tongue in the mean Time 5 
and rail when that Day comes. 

Enter Mincing. 

Mine. Mem, I come to acquaint your Lafhip that Dinner is 

Sir WtlL Impatient? Why then belike it won't ftay 'till I pull 
off my Boots. S wc( t-heart can you help me to a pair of Siippwrs ? 
My Man's with his Horf i wananc. 

Lady. Fie, fie, Nephew, you wou*d not pull off your Boots 

here Go down into (he Hall Dinner (hall ftay for you 

My Nephew's a littie unbred, you'll pardon him. Madam 

Gentlemen will you walk. Marwood 

lAts.Mar. I'll follow you, Madam- — - Before Sir is 
ready. \_Manent Mrs. Marv/ood ayid Fainall. 

Fain, Why then Foihles a Bawd, an Errant, Rank, Matchr 
making Bawd. And I it fcems am a Husband> a Rank-Husband ^ 
and my Wife a very Errant, Rank- Wife, — all in the Way of the 
World, 'Sdeath to be an Anticipated Cuckold, a Cuckold in Em- 
brio? Sure I was born with budding Antlers like a young Satyr,| 
or a Cifizcn*s Child. *Sdcath to be Out-wittcd,to be Out- jilted 

-7 Out- Matrimony 'd, — If I had kept my Speed like a Stag, 

'twere fomewhat, — but to crawl after, with my Horns like a Snail^ 
and be out-ftrip'd by my Wife- 'tis Scurvy Wedlock. 

Mrs Mar, Then (haKelt off, you have often wifli'd for an 
Opportunity to part; and now you have it. But firft pre- 
vent their Plot, the half of Mtllaman fs Fortune is too Con- 

fiderable to be parted wiih, to a Foe, to MirabelL 

Faiyi. Dam him, that had been mine- — had you not made that 

fond Difcovcry That had been forfeited, had they been 

Married. My Wife had added Luftrcto my Horns, by that En- 

creafe of Fortune, 1 cou*d have worn 'cm tipt with Gold, 

tho' myForehcad had been furnifli'dlike aDeputy-Licutcnant's Hall. 

Mrs. Mar. They may prove a Cap of Maintenance to youftill, 
if you can away with your Wife. And fhe's noworfrth;:n when 

you had her 1 dare fwear (he had given up her Game, before 

(he was Marry 'd. 

Fain. Hum ! That may be • She might throw up her Cards y 

but 111 be hang'd if flie did not put Pam in her Pocket. 

Mrs. Mar. You Married her to keep you-, and if you can 
contrive to have her keep you better than you expected > why 

fhould von nor Wn hrr Inncr^r ±W^»..>.J..l^u^^ 

40 7 he M^ayof the iVorld. 

Fain, The Means^ the Means. 

Mrs. Mar, Difcoverto my Lady your Wife's Condudj threaten 

to part with her ^My Lady loves hcty and will come to any 

Compolition to fave her Reputacion, take the Opportunity of 
breaking it, juft upon the Difcovery of this Impofture. My La. 
dy will be enragd beyond Bounds, and facri&ce Neice, and For- 
tune, and all at chat Conjunfture. And let me alone to keep her 
warm, if (he (hou'd flag in her part, I will not fail to prompt her. 

Fain, Faith this has an Appearance. 

Mrs. Mar. fmforry Ihintcd to my Lady to endeavour a Match 
between Millamant and Sir Willfully that may be an Obftacle. 

Fain. O, for that matter leave me, to manage him 5 111 difable 
him for that, he will drink like a 'T>ane\ After Dinner, PU fet his 
Hand in. 

Mrs. Mar, Well, how do you ftand affeftcd towards your Lady > 

Fain. Why faith Tm thinking of it. ^Let me fee — I am 

marry *d already j fo that's over, — — My Wife has plaid the Jade 

with me — Well, that's over too — 1 never lov*d her, or if 

I had, why that wou'd have been over too by this time 

Jealous of her I cannot be-i for I am certain 5 fo there's an end of 

Jealoufie. Weary of her, lam, and fliall bc^ No, there's 

no end of that 5 fs^o, no, that were too much to hope. Thus 

far concerning my Repofe. Now for my Reputation, — As 

to my own, I marry'd not for it i fo that's out of the Queftion. 
- And as to my Part in my Wife's Why fhe had part- 
ed with hers before^ fo bringing none to me, Ihc can take none 
from me • 'tis againft all rule of Play, that I fliould lofc to one, 
who has not wherewithal to ftake. 

Mrs. Mar, Befides you forget, Marriage is honourable. 

Fain. Hum! Faith and that's well thought on-. Marriage is 
honourable as you fay^ and if fo, w^^erefore (hould Cuckol- 
dom be a Difcredit, being derived from fb honourable a Root > 

Mrs. Mar. Nay I know not> if the Root be Honourable, why 
not the Branches > 

, ' Fain. So, fo, why this Point s clear, Well^^wdowc 

proceed ? 

Mrs. Mar. J will contrive a Letter which (hall be delivered to 
my Lady at the time when that Rafcal who is toafl: ^'xt Rowland 

is with her. It (hall come as from an unknown Hand for 

the kfs I appear to know of the Truth the better I can play 

the Incendiary. Bcfides, I would not have Foible provok'd if I 
._CQu/d help it, becaufc you know flie knows fome Palfages — 

Ihe Way of the World. 41 

Nay I expcft all will come out— But let the Mine be fprung firft, 
and then 1 care not if I'm difcorer'd. 

Fain, If the worft come to the worftj — I'll turn my Wife to 

Qfafs 1 have already a Deed of Settlement of the beft Part of 

RcrEitate^ which I wheadrd out of her > and that you fliall , par- 
take at leaft. 

Mrs. Mar,l hope you are convinc'd that I hate Mirabell, now 
you'll be no more Jealous. 

Fain. Jealous, no, — by this Kifs— let Husbands be Jealous i 
but let the Lover ftill bel ieve^ Or if he doubt, let it be only to 
endear his Pleafure, and 'prepare the Joy that follows, when he 

endlels Jcalouhe^ or lir'they have Belief, let it corrupt to Super- 
ftition, and blind C redulity . I am fingle > and will herd no more 
with 'em. True, I wear the Badge, but 1*11 difown the Order. 
And fince I take my Leave of 'em, I care not if i Jeave 'em^ 

c ommon Motto to their common^G rdL . 

All Husbands mujt^ or Tain^or Shame, endure i 

The Wife too jealous are^ Fools too fecure, [Exeunt. 


[Scene Continues,^ 
Enter Lady Wiflifort and Foible. 

Lady. TS Sir Rowland coming fay'fl- thou, Foible? and are things 
JL in Order ? 

Foih. Yes, Madam. I have put Wax-Lights in the Sconces 
and plac'd the Footmen in a Row in the Hall, in their beft Live- 
ries, with the Coachman and Poftilion to fill up the Equipage. 

Lady. Have you pullvill'd the Coachman and Foftihon, that 
they may not ftink of the Stable, when Sir Rowland comes by ? 

Foib. Yes, Madam. 

Lady. And are the Dancers and the Mufick ready, that he may 
be entertain d in all Points with Correfpondence to his Falfion ? 
Foib. All is ready. Madam. 

Lady. And well -and how do I look. Foible ? 

Foib. Moft killing well, Madam. 

.Lady. Well, and how (hall I receive him ? In what figure fliall 

G I 

42 The Way of the World. 

I give his Heart the firft ImprcfTion ? There is a great deal in th e 
firftTmpreffion. Shall I fit? No, I won't fit— Pll walk- 
ay rU walk from the Door upon his Entrance j and then turn full 

upon him No^ that will be too fudden. I'll lye — ay, V\\ lye 

down — 111 receive him in my little Drtfling^ Room, there^s a Coucfi 

— Yes, yes, 1 11 give the firft ImprelTion on a Couch 1 won't 

lye neither J but loll and lean upon one El bow 5 with one Foot a 
little dangling off, jogging in a thoughrful way — Yes — and then 
as foon as he appears, ttart, ay, ftart and be furpriz'd, and rife 
to meet him in a pretty Diforder — Yes — O, nothing is more al- 
luring than a Levee from a Couch in fome Confiifion — It (hews 
the Foot to advantage, and furnifties with BluQies, and re-^oiQr* 
pofing Airs beyond Compariibn. Hark ! There's a Coach. 
Foib, 'Tis he, Madam. . 

Lady. O dear, has my Nephew made his Addrefles to Milh- 
mant ? I orderM him. 

Foib. Sir WtUfull is fet into Drinking, Madam, in the Parlour. 

Lady. Ods my Life, I'll fend him to her. Call her down, Fou 

ble-, bring her hither. I'll fend him as I go When^hey arc 

together, then come to me Foible^ that 1 may not be too long 
alone with Sir Rowland, \Exit, 
Enter Mrs. Millamant, and Mrs, Fainall. 

Foib. Madam, I ftay'd here, to tell your Ladiftiip that Mr. Mi- 
rabell has waited this half Hour for an Opportunity to talk with 
you. Tho' my Lady's Orders yere to leave you and Sir JVillfull 
together. Shall I tell Mr. Mirabell that you are at leifure.^ 

Mill. No 'What would the dear Man have? I am thought- 
ful and would amufe my felf, bid him come another time. 

Repeating and^ There never yet was Woman made^ 

walking about. J Nor Jhall^ but to be cursd. 
That's hard ! . 

Fain. You are very fond of Sir John Suckling to day, Milla- 
lamant^ and the Poets. 

Milla. He.? Ay, and filrhy Verfes — ^ — So I am. 

Foib. Sir Willfttll is coming, Madam. Shall I fend Mr. Mira- 
bell away 

Milla, Ay, if you pleafe, Foible^ fend him away, Or fend 

him hither, ^juft as you will, dear Foible. 1 think Til fee 

him Shall \> Ay, let the Wretch come 

Repeating?)^ Thyrfis, a Touth of the Infpir^d Train. 
Dear Fainall^ entertain Sir JVillfull— Thou haft Philofophy to un- 
dergo a Fool, thou art marry'd and haft Patience — I would con- 
fer with my own Thoughts. Fain. 

The Way of the World. 43 

Fain. I am obliged ro you, that you would make me your 
Proxy in this Affair i but I have Bufinefs of my own. 

Enter Sir Willfull. 

O Sir Willfull'^ you are come at the Critical Inftant. There's 
your Miftrefs up to the Ears in Love and Contemplation, purfue 
your Point, now or never. ' 

Sir WHL Yes j my Aunt will have it fo, 1 would gladly 

have been encoursg d with a Bottle or two, n This while Milla. 
becaufe Tm fomewhat witry at firft, before I ^ walks about Re- 
am acquainted- — But I hope, after a time, I j peating to her 

(hall break my Mind that is upon further C felf. 

Acquaintance So for the prefent, Coufin, Pll take my leave — 

If fo be youll be fo kind to make my Excuie, Til return to my 

Fain. O fie, Sir Willfull I What, you muft not be Daunted. 

Sir WilL Daunted, no, that*s not it, it is not fo much for 

that foriffo bethatlfet on't, 111 do't. But only for the 

prefent, 'tis fufEcient 'till further Acquaintance, that's all 

your Servant. ^ 

Fain. Nay, I'll fwear you fhall never lofe fo favourable an Op- 
portunity, if I can help it. I'll leave you together and lock the 
Door. \Exit. 

Sir Will. Nay, nay Coufin, 1 have forgot my Gloves, 

What d'ye do.^ 'Sheart a'has lock'd the Door indeed, I think • 

Nay, Coufin Fainall^ open the Door Pfhaw, what a Vixon 

Trick is this? -Nay, now a has feen me too Coufin, I 

made bold to pafs thro' as it were 1 think this Door's In- 
chanted — 

Milla. \^Repeating,'] 1 prithee fpare me^ gentle Boy^ ^ 

'Frefs me no more for that flight Toy. 

Sir WtlL Anan > Coufin, your Servant. 

Milla. That fooltfh Trifle of a Heart ^ Sir Wtllfull! 

S'vc WilL Yes, — your Servant. No Offence I hope, Coufin, 

Milla. \_Repeating^ I fwear it will not do its party 

Thd* thou do'fi thine^ emploffi thy Tower and Art. 
Natural, eafie Suckling ! 

Sir Wtll. Anan.^ Suckling? No fuch Suckling neither, Coufin, 
nor Stripling : I thank Heav'n, I'm no Minoi^. 

Milla. AhRuftick! mdcr th2,n Gothick. 

Sir Will. Well, well, I fiiall underfland your Lingo one of thefe 
Days, Coufin, in the mean while I muft anfwer in plain Englifb. 

Milla. Have you any Bufinefs with me, Sir Willfull? 

G 2 Sir 

44 J^ay of the World. 

Sir Will. Not at prefent, Coufni, — Yes, 1 made bold to 

fee, to come and know if that how you were difpos'd to fetch a 
Walk this Evening, if fo be that I might not be troiiWefome, I 
would have fought a Walk with you. 

Milla. A Walk? What then? 

Sir Will, Na}^ nothing — Only for the Walks fake, that's all — 

Milla, I naufcate Walking-, *tis a Country Diverfion, I loath 
the Country and every thing that relates to it. 

^vc JVilL Indeed! Hah! Look yc, look-ye, you do? Nay, *^is 

like you may Here are choice of Paftimes here in Town, as 

Plays and the like, that muft be confefs'd indeed. : 

Milla, Ah Pet our die! I hate the Town too. 

Sir IVilL Dear Heart, that's much Hah! that you fliould 

hate 'em both ! Hah ! 'tis like you may ^ there are fome can't relifh 

the Town, and others can't away with the Country, - 'ris 

like you may be one of thofe, Coulin. 

Milla, Ha, ha, ha. Yes, 'tis like I may. — You have no- 
thing further to fay to me ? 

Sir Will. Not at prefent, Coufin.— Tis like when I have 

an Opportunity to be more private, — —I may break my Mind 
in fome meafure,-- 1 conjecture you partly guefs^ How- 
ever that's as time fliall try, — But fpare to fpeak and ^are 

to fpeed, as they fay. 

Milla. If it is of no great Importance, Sir Willfull, you will 
oblige me to leave me: 1 have jiift now a little Bufinefs.- 

Sir Will, Enough, enough, Coufin: Yes, yes, all a cafe ■ 

When you're difpos'd, when you're difpos'd. Now's as well as 
another timc^ and another time as well as now. All's one for 

that, Yes, yes, if your Concerns call you, there's no hafte 

it will keep cold as they fay, Coufin, your Servant. 

1 think this Door's lock'd. 

Milla. You may go this way. Sir. 

Sir fVill. Your Servant, then with your leave Pll return to my 
Company, {Exit, 

Milla* Ay, ay- ha, ha, ha. 
Like Phoebus fung the no lefs amrous Boy, 

Enter Mirabell. 

Mira. Like Daphne y??^, as Lovely and as Coy. 

Do you lock your felf up from me to make my Search more Cu- 
rious? Or is this pretty Artifice contriv'd, to fignifie that here 
the Chace muft end, and my Purfuit be Crown'd, for you can fly 
no further. — 

7he Way of the World. 45 

Milla. Vanity ! No : — V\\ fly and be followed to the laft 

Moment^ tho'J am upon the very Verge of Matrimony, I exped: 
you fliou'd fbllicit me as much as if I were wavering at the Grate 
of a Monaftery, with one Foot over the Thrcfliold. I'll be foUi- 
cited to the very laft, nay and afterwards. 

Mira, What, after the laft ? 

Milla. O5 I fliould think I was poor and had nothing to beftow. 
If I were reduced to an inglorious Eafcj and free'dfrDm the agreea- 
ble Fatigues of Solliciration. 

Mira. But do not you know, that when Favours are conferr'd 
upon inftant and tedious Sollicitation, that they diminifh in their 
Value^ and that both the Giver lofes the Grace, and the Receiv- 
er leflens his Pleafure ? 

Milla. It may be in Things of common Application •, but never 
fure in Love. O, I hate a Lover, that can dare to think, he draws 
a Moments Air, Independent on the Bounty of his Miftrefs. There 
is not fo impudent a Thing in N^ty^r^^^^^^ the fawc y Look of an 
affured Man, Cofifidfent pF Succ efs. T he Pedanrick Arrogance 
of a very Husband, has not loTPragp^aj^^ 
ver marry, I am firft made fure of my Will and Pleafure, 

Mira. Wou'd you have 'em both before Marriage ? Or will you 
be contented with the firft now, and ftay for th: other 'till after 

Milla. Ah don*c be Impertinent— —My dear Liberty, (hall I 
leave thee? My faithful Solitude, my darling Contem^plation, 

muft I bid you then Adieu? Ay-h adieu. ^--^ My rnorning 

Thoughts, agreeable Wakings, indakhtSlum^^ dcuceurs^ 

ye Somuls dti Matin adieu, 1 can t doV, *tis more than im« 

poffible -^Poficiveiy Mirabell^ I'll lye a Bed in a Mornir.g as 

long as I pleafe. 

Mira, Then Til get up in a Morning as early as 1 pleafe. 

Milla, Ah ! Idle Creature, get up when you will And 

d'ye hear, I won't be call'd Names after I'm Marry 'd 3 pofitivcly 
I won't be call'd Names. 

Mira. Names.' 

Milla. Ay as Wife, Spoufe, my Dear, Joy, jewel. Love, 
Sweet- heart, and the reft of that Naufeous Cant, m which Men 

and their Wives are fo fulfomely famihar, 1 (hall never 

i>ear that, Good Mirabell dovii let us be familiar or fond, 

nor kifs before Folks, like my Lady fadler and Siv Francis: Nor 
go to Hide-^ark together the firft Sunday in a new Chariot, ro' 
provoke Eyes and M^hifpersj And then never to be fcen there 


4<S The Way of the World. 

together again; as if we were proud of one another the firft 
Week, and afliam'd of one another ever after. Let us never Vi- 
fit together, nor go to a Play together, but let us be very ftrangc 
and well bred: Let us be as ftrange as if we had been marry'd a 
great while > and as well bred as if we were notmarry*d at all. 

Mira, you any more Conditions to offer ? Hitherto your 

Demands are pretty reafonable. 

Milla. Trifles, — As Liberty to pay and receive Vifits to 

and from whom I pleafc ; to write and receive Letters, without 
Interrogatories or wry Faces on your Part?-, to wear what I | 
p!eafe> and chufe Converfation with regard only to my own | 
Tafte-, to have no Obligation upon me to converfe with Wits ( 
that I don't like, becaufc they are your Acqaintaacejor to be in- f 
timate with Fools, bccaufe they may be your Relations. Come ) 
to Dinner when I pleafc, dine in my dreffing Room when I'm out | 
of Humour without giving a Reafon. To have my Clofet In- ( 
violate 3 to be (ble Emprels of my Tea-Table, which you muft [ 
neycr prefume to approach without firft asking leave. And laft- 5 
ly, where-ever I am, you (hall always knock at the Door before | 
you come in, Thefe Articles fublcrib'd, if I continue to endure | 
you a little longer, I may by degrees dwindle into a Wife. I 

Msra. Your Bill of Fare is fomething advanced in this latter Ac- 
count. V/cil, have I Liberty to ofrer Conditions — That 

when you arc dwindled into a Wifcj I may not be beyond Mcafure 
enlarg'd into a Husband? 

Milla. You hive free leave j propofe your utmoft, fpeak and 
fpare nor. 

Mira, I thank you. Inprimrs then, I Covenant that your A c- 
quaintance be general J that you admit no fworn Confident, "or 
Intimate of your own Sex no flie Friend to skreen her AjK^i^gad^J^^^^^^ 
your Countenance, and tempt you to make Trial of a Mutual Se- 

crefie. No Decoy- Duck to wheadlc you 2. fop fcr ambling 

to the Play in a Mask— — Then bring you home in a pretend- 
ed Fright, when you think you (hall be found out. -And rail 

at me for miffing the Play, and difappointiag the Frolick which 
you had to pick me up and prove my Conftancy. C 

Milla. Dcflable Inprimis ! I go to the Play in a Mask! 
ryjMira. Item^ I Article, chat you -continue to like your own 
Face, as long as \ fliall. And while it palTes Currant with m^ 
that you endeavour not to new Coin it. To which end, together 
with all Vizards for the Day, I prohibit all Masks for the Night, 
made of oild-skinsand I know not v;hat- Hog's-bones, Harems- 

7he Way of the World. 47 

gall, Pig water, and the Marrow of a ro.ifted Cat. In flioit, I 
forbid all Comm^Tce with the Gentlewomen in what-d^ye-call-it" 
Court. Item^ I (hut my Do. ;rs againfl: all Bauds wich Baskets, and 

penny-worths of Ai^77/», China^ Fans^ Atlajfesy &c. Item 

when you fliall be Breeding. 

Mtlla, Ah! Name it nor. 

Mtra. Which may be prefum'd, with a Blefling on our Endea- 

Milld. Odious Endeavovrs ! 

Mira, I denounce againft all ftrait-Lacing, Squeezing for a 
Shape, 'till you mould my Boy's Head like a Sugar-loaf > andin- 
jftead of a Man-Child, make me the Father to a crooked- billet. 

Laftly, to the Dominion of the Tea-Table I fubmit. But 

with provifoy that you exceed not in your Province j but reftrain 
your felf to native and fimple Tea-Table Drinks, as Tea^ Choco- 
late and Coffee. As likewife to Genuine and Authoriz'd Tea- 
Table Talk,— Such as mending of Fafluons, fpoiling Reputations^^ 

railing at abfent Friends, and lo forth But thar on no Ac-"* 

count you encroach upon the Mens Prerogative, and prefume to 
druik Healths^or toaft Fellows 3 for prevention of which, 1 banifli 
all Foreign Forces^ all Auxiliaries to the Tea-Tabky as Orange- 
Brandy^ zWAnnifeediCmamon^ CitronznA Bar bado^s-TFaters ^lo- 
gether with Ratafia andthe moft noble Spirit of Clary — But 
for Coujlip-Wine^ Toppy Water and all T>ormitives, thofe I allow, 

— Thefe provijVs admitted, in other things I may prove a 

tradable and complying Husband. 

Milla. O horrid provifo'sl filthy ftrong Waters! I toaft Fellows^ 
Odious Men ! I hate your odious provifos. 

Mira, Then we're agreed. Shall I kifs your Hand upon the 
Contrift.^ and here comes one to be a Wicneis to the Sealing of 
the Deed. 

Enter M^s. Fainall. 
Mlla, F-mially what (liall I do.^ (hall I have him? I think I 
muft have liim. 

Mrs, Fain. Ay, ay, take him, take him, what fliou*d you do? 

Mlla. . Wc^A then Pll take my Death I'm in a horrid 

Fright— F^/W/, I (hall never fay it- Well — 1 think—- — 

ril endure you. 

Mrs. Fain, Fy, fy, have him, have him, and tell him fo in 
plain Terms : For I am fure you have a mind to him. 

Mi/la. Are you? I think I have- and the horrid Man 

looks as if he thought fo too ' — Wel!> you ridiculous thing 


4B 7he Way of the World. 

you, I'll have you, — I won't be kifs'd^nor I won't be thahk'd — * 

Here kifs my Hand tho*- So hold your Tongue now, and 

don't fay a Word. 

Mrs. Fam, Mirabell^ there's a Neceflity for your Obedience^ 

-You have neither time to talk ndr (lay. My Mother is 

coming- and in my Confcience if flie fliou'd fee you, wou'd fall 
into Fits, and may be not recover time enough to Return to Sir 
Rowland^ who as Foible tells me is in a fair Way to fucceed. 
Therefore fpare your Extacies for another Occafion, and flip 
down the back-Stairs, where Foible waits to confiilc you. 

Miila. Ay, go, go. In the mean time I fuppofe you have faid 
fomething to pleafe me. 

Mir a. i am all Obedience* \Exit Mira. 

Mrs/Fain, Yonder Sir Willfiill's drunk > and fo noifie that my 
Mother has been forc'd to leave Sir Rowland to appeafe him> but 

he anfwers her only with Singing and Drinking— what they 

have done by this time I know not. But Petulant and he were 
upon quarrelling as I came by. 

Milla. Well, \i MirabeU fhou'd not make a good Husband, I 
am a loft thing-, for I find I love him violently. 

Mrs.F/iin. So it feems, when you mind not what's faid to you. 
' If you doubt him, you had beft' take up with Sir WillfulL 

Milla. How can you name that fuperannuated Lubber.? foh! 
Fnter Witwoud /r^?;^ drinking, 

Mrs. Fain. So, is the Fray made up, that you have left 'em? 

ff^it. Left 'cm ? I could fl:ay no longer— I have laugh'd like ten 
Chriftnings^ — I am tipfie with laughing— If I had ftaid any longer - 
I fliould have burft, — I muft have been let out and piec'd in the 

Sides like an uniiz'd Camlet Yes, yes, the Fray is composed j 

my Lady cams in like a Noli prof eqiii and llopf lto^ir Proceedings. 
.Milla. Whit was the Difpute.? 

Wit. That's the Jeft, there was no Difputc, they cou'd nei- 
ther of *em ipeak for Rage> and fo fell a fputt'ring at one ano- 
ther like two roafl:ing Apples. 

Enter Petulant T>nink. 
Now Tetulanf'i all's over, all's well-, Gad my Head begins to 
whim it about — —Why dofl: thou not fpeak? thou art both as 
drunk and as mute as a Fifli. 

Tet. Look you, >lrs. Millamnnt -If you can love me, dear 

Nymph — fay it — and that's the Conclufion ^pafs on, or pafs 

off, — that's all. 

Wit. Thou hafl: uttcr'd ^^/f/;??^.r, Folio's^ in lefs than T>ecimo 


The Way of the World. 49 

Sexto^ my dear Lacedemonian^ Sirrah Tetulant^ thou art an Epi- 
tomizer of Words. ^ 

Tet. Witwoud You are an Annihilator of Senfc. 

Wit, Thou area Retailer of Phrafcsj and doft deal in Rem- 
nants of Remnants, like a Maker of Pincufhion? thou art in 

truth ('metaphorically fpeaking) a Speaker of ihort>hand. 

'Pet, Thou arc (without a FigureJ) juil one half of an Afs; 
and Baldwin yonder, thy half Brother is the reft A Gemi- 
ni of Aftes fplit, would make juft four of you. 

Wit. Thou doft bice, my dear Muftard-feed 5 kifs mc for that. 

Tet, Stand off — V\\ kifs no more Males,— — I have kifs*d your 
t win yonder in a humour of Reconciliation, "till he (hiccu/) ri- 
fes upon my Stomach like a Radifli. 

MHla. Eh ! filthy Creature — what was the Quarrel ? 

Tet. There was no Quarrel — there might have been a Quarrel. 

Wit. If there had been Words enow between 'em to have ex- 
prefs'd Provocation, they had gone together by the Ears like a 
pair of Caftancrs. 

Tet, You were the Quarrel. 

JMiUa. Me! 

Tet. If I have a Humour to quarrel, I can make lefs Matters 

conclude Premifes, If you are not handfom, what then ? If I 

have a Humour to prove it. If I (hall have my Reward, fay 

fo j if nor, fight for your Face the next time your felf 111 

go fleep. 

Wit. Do, wrap thy felf up MktzWood-loufi and dream Revenge 

And hear me, if thou canft learn to write by to Morrow" 

Morning, pen me a Challenge Pll carry ic for thee. 

Tet, Carry your Miftrefs's Monkey a Spider^ go flea Dogs, 

and read Romances -ril go to bed to my Maid. [Ex/t. 

Mrs. Fain. He*s horridly drunk ^how came you all in this 


W^t. A Plot, a Plot, to get rid of the Knight, Your Hut 

band's Advice-, but he fneak'd off. 

E'iter Lady, and Sir Willfull drmk. 

Lady. Out upon't out upon*t, at Years of Difcretion, and 
comport your felf at this Rantipole rate. 

Sir Will. No Offence, Aunt, 

Lady. Offence? As Pm a Pcrfon, I'm afham'd of you 

Fogh! how you (link of Wine! D*yc think my Neicc will ever 
cn urc fuch a Borachiol you're an abfolute Borachio. 

SkWi/L Borachio! 

H Lady, 

50 Ihe Way of the Wof ld. 

Lady: At a time when you fliou'd commence an Amour, and 
put your beft Foot foremoft 

Sir IVtlL 'Shearr, an you grutch me your Liquor, make a Bill 
— Give me more Drink, and take my Purfe. 

Sings, Trithee fill me the Glafs 

'Till it laughs in my Face^ 
With Ale that is Totent and Mellow y 

He that whines for a Lafs 

Is an ignorant Afs^ 
For a Bumper has not its Fellow. 

But if you wou*d have me marry my Coufm, — fay the Word, and 
ril A&t—milfall will do't, that's the WoTd—Willfull will do't, 
that's my Creft- — my Motto I have forgot. 

Lady. My Nephew's a little overtaken, Coufin — but 'tis with 
drinking your Healh- O* my Word you are oblig'd to him. 

Six WilL In Vino Veritas^ Aunt: If I drunk your Health 

to day, Coufin, — I am a Borachio. But if you have a Mind to 
be marry *d, fay the Word, and fend for the Piper, Wtllfull will 
do't^i If not, duft it away, and let's have t'other -Round--'^ 
T^onyy Ods-heart whcre's Tony—Tony'^ an honeft Fellow> but he 
Ipits after a Bumper, and that's a Fault. 

Sings. We" II drink and we'll never ha" done Boys^ 

Vut the Glafs then around with the Sun Boys^ 

Let k^oVio' s Example invite us % 
For he's drunk ev\y Nighty 
And that makes him fo bright^ 

That he's able next Morning to light us. 

The Sun's a good Pimple, an honeft Soaker, he has a Cellar at 
your Antipodes. If I travel, Aunt, I touch at your Antipodes — 
y OUT Antipodes are a good rafcally fort of topfie turvy Fellows — 
If I had a Bumper I'd ftand upon my Head and drink a Health 

to 'em A Match or no Match, Coufin, with the hard Name, 

^Aunt, Willfull will do't. If (he has her Maidenhead let her 

look to't, — if flie has not, let her keep her own Counfel in the 
mean rime, and cry out at the Nine Months End. 

Milla, Your Pardon, Madam, I can ftay no longer Sir 

Wtllfull grows very powerful, Egh ! how he fmells ! I (hall be o- 
vercome if I ftay. Come, Coufin. \Ex. Milla. and Mrs. Fain. 

Lady. Smells ! he would poifon a Tallow-Chandler and his 
Family. Beaftly Creature, I know not what to do with him. — 

' Travel 

The Way of the World. 51 

Travel quoth a > ay travel, travel, get thee gone, get thee but far 
enough, to the Saracens^ or the Tartars^ or the Turks — for thou 
art not fit to Uve in a Chriftian Commonwealth, thou beaftly Pagan. 

Sir IVUl. Turks ^ no ^ no Turks ^ Aunt : Your Turks are Infidels, 
and believe not in the Grape. Your Mahometan-^ your Mujful- 

man is a dry Stinkard No Oftence, Aunt. My Map fays 

that your Turk is not fo honeft a Man as your Chriftian 1 

cannot find by the Map that your Mufti is Orthodox Where- 
by it is a plain Cafe, that Orthodox is a hard Word, Aunt, and 
{hiccups Greek for Clardt. 

Sings. To drink is a Chriftian ^iverjion^ 

Unknown to the Turk and the Perfian : 

Let Mahometan Fools 

Live by Heathenijh Rules ^ 
And be damn'd over Tea-Cups and Coffee, 

But let Britifli Lads Jingy 

Crown a Health to the King^ 
And a Fig for your Sultan Sophy. 

Ah, Tonyl 

Enter Foible, and whifpers Lady. . 

Lady. Sir Rowland impatient.^ Good lack! what (hall I do 

with this beaftly Tumbril ? Go lye down and deep, you 

Sot Or as Pm a Perfon, PU have you baftinado'd with 

Broom-fticks. Call up the Wenches. \Exit Foible. 

Sir TVilU Ahey Wenches, where are the Wenches? 

Lady, Dear Coufin Witwoud get him away, and you will bind 
mc to you inviolably. I have an Affair of moment that invades 
me with fome Precipitation- You will oblige me to all Futurity. 

Wit. Come, Knight Pox on him, I don't know what to 

fay to him Will 5/ou go to a Cock-match? 

Sir Will, With a Wench, Tony ? Is fhe a fliake-bag, Sirrah ? let 
me bite your Check for that. 

Wit, Horrible! He has a Breath like a Bagpipe Ay, ay, 

come will you march, my Salopian ? 

Sir IFtlL Lead on, little Tony Pll follow thee my Anthony^ 

my Tantony, Sirrah thou flia't be my Tantony^ and Pll by thy 

--And a Fig for your Sultan and Sophy. 

\^Exit Singing with Witwoud, 

Lady, This will never do. It will never make a Match.-- 

At lead before he has been abroad. 

' H 2 Enter 

52 The Way of the World. 

Enter WaitwelU difguisd as for Sir Rowland. 
Dear Sir Rowland^ I am confounded with Confufion at the 

Rctrofpeftion of my own Rudenefs, I have more Pardons to 

ask than the Tope diftributes in the Year of Jubilee. But I hope 
where there is Ukely to be fo near an AUiance, — — we may un- 
bend the Severity oiDecorum and difpenfe with a little Ce- 

Wait, My Impatience, Madam, is the Effe£t of my Tranfport 
— — and 'till I have the Pofleffion of your adorable Ptrlonj i am 
tantalized on the Rackj and do but hang, Macam, on the Ten- 
ter of Expedation. 

Lady, You have Excefs of Gallantry, Sir Rowland-, and prefs 

things to a Conclufion, with a moil prevailing Vehemence. 

But a Day or two for Decency of Marriage. 

Wait, For Decency of Funeral, Madam, The Delay will 
break my Heart — or if that fliould fail, I ftiall be Po:fon*d. 
My Nephew will get an inkling of my Defigns, andPoifon me, — 

and I would willingly ftarve him before f die- J would gladly 

go out of the World with that SatisfaAion. Th.^t would be 

lome Comfort to me, if I could but live fo long as to be reveng'd 
on that unnatural Viper. 

Lady, Is he fo Unnatural, fay you? Truly I would contribute 
much both to the faying of your Life, and the accompliftimcnt 

cf your Revenge -Not that I refpeft my fclfj tho' he has 

been a perfidious Wretch to me. 
Wait. Perfidious to you ! 
Lady,,0 Sir Ro^juland, the Hours that he has dy'd away at | 
my Feet, the Tears that he has (hed, the Oaths that he has 1 
fworn, the Palpitations that he has felt, the Trances and the | 
Tremblings, the Ardors and the Ecftacies, the Kneelings and | 
the Rifings, the Heart- heavings and the Hand-gripings, the ^ 
pangs and the Pathetick Regards of his protefling Eyes! Oh 
no Memory can Rcgifter, 

Wait. What, my Rival! is the Rebel my Rival? a*dies. 
Lady. No, don*t kill him at once, Sir Rowland^ ftarve him 
gradually Inch by Inch. 

Wait, ril do't. In three Weeks he fliali be bare-foot in a 
Month out at Knees with begging an Aims, — - — he fhall ftarve 
upward and upward, 'till he has nothing living but his Head, and 
then go out in a Stink like a Candle's End upon a Save- all. 

Lady, Well, Sir Rowland-, you have the way, ^You arena 

Novice in the Labyrinth of Love You have the Clue 

The Way of the World. 5^ 

But as I am a Perfon, Sir Rowland^ you muft not attribute my 
yielding CO any finifterj^^^ or Indigeftion of Widow:hoo,d^ 

nor impute my Complacency to any Lethargy of Continence \ 

hope you do noc*think me prone to any Ttefatto^ri'^o^^^^ 
IVait. Far be it from me 

Lady. If you do. 1 proteft I muft recede or think that 

I have madeaProftitution of Decorums, but in the Vehemence of 
Cbmpiffion, and to fave the Life of a Perfon of fo much4m- 

fVait. I eftecm it fo 

Lady. Or clfe you wrong my Condcfcenfion 

Wait. I do not, I do not 

Lady. Indeed you do. 

Wait. I do not, fair Shrine of Virtue. 

Lady. If you think the leaft Scruple of Carnality was an Ingre- 

^ Wait. Dear Madam, no. You are all Camfhire and Frankin- 
cenfe^ all Chajiity and Odour. 
Lady. Or that 

Enter Foible. 

Foib. Madam, the Dancers are ready, and there's one with a 
Letter, who muft deliver it into your own Hands. 

Lady. Sir Rowland, will you give mc leave? Think favourably, 
judge candidly, and conclude yoa have found a Perfon who would 
faffer Racks in Honour^s Cauic, dear Sir Row land ^ and will wait 
on you Inceffantly. [Exit. 
) Wait. Fie, fie! — What a Slavery have I undergone} Spoufc> 
haft thou ?ny Cordial 1 want Spirits. 

Foib. Whc t a waftiy Rogue art thou, to pant thus for a Quar- 
ter of an Hours Lyirg and Swearing to a fine Lady 

Wait. O, (he is the Antidote to Oefire. Spoufe, thou will't 

fare th^^ worfj for't 1 fliall Have no Appetite to Intcration of 

Nuptials' this Eigh: and Forty Hours By this Hand I'd 

raehtr be a Ch. ir-man in the Dog days than aft Sir Rowland 

'till this time to Morrow. 

Enter Lady with a Letter. 

Lady. Call in t! e Dancers-, Sir Rowland^ we'll fit, if you 

pl( afj, and fee the Entertainment. [^ance. 

No v with yo tr Pv^nniftion, Sir Rnvlandy I will pcrufe my Let- 
ter — I woulu open it in your PrcRncc, bccaufe I would not make 

l^ou uneafie. if ic ftibuld you uncafie 1 would burn it • 

jfpeak if ic do s but you n^ay lee by the Supcrfcription it ia 

hict^ g VVnmAn'c Hand. Foik 

55 "Jhe Way of the WoM 

Foib, By Heav'n! Mrs. Marwood*s^ 1 know iCj—- — my Heart 
akes get it from her — — [To him.'] 

Wait. A Woman's Hand? No, Madam, that's no Woman's 
Handj I fee that already. That's fome Body whofe Throat muft 
be cut. 

Lady. Nay, Sir Rowland^ fince you giv^e me a Proof of your 
Paffion by your Jealoufie, I promife you FU make you a Return, 
by a frank Communication — — You (hall fee it — we'll open it 
together — look you here. 

Reads.- -Madamy tho* unknown toyou^ [Look you there, 'tis 

J from no Body that I know.] / have that Honour for 

your Chara£}ery that I think my felf obliged to let you 
know you are abused: He who pretends to be Sir Row-' 

land is a Cheat and a RafcaL 

OhHeav'ns! what's this ? 
Foib. Unfortunate, all's ruin'd. 

Wait. How, how, let me fee, let me fee reading, A Rafcal 

and difguis'dy and fubborn'd for that Impojiure^ O Villany ! 

O Villany!- by the Contrivance of 

Lady. I fliall faint, I fliall die, oh! 

Foib, Say 'tis your Nephew's Hand. Quickly, his Plot, 

fwear, fwear it \To him.] 

Wait. Here's a Villain ! Madam, don't you perceive it, don't 
you fee it? 

Lady. Too well, too well. I have feen too much. 

Wait. I told you at firft I knew the Hand - A Woman's 

Hand? The Rafcal writes a fort of a large Hand 5 your Roman 

Hand 1 faw there was a Throat to be cut prefently. If he 

were my Son, as he is my Nephew, Td Piftol him 

Foib. O Treachery ! But arc you fure, Sir Rowland, it. is his 

Wait. Sure? am I here? do I live? do I love this Pearl of In- 
dia ? I have Twenty Letters in my Pocket from him, in the fame 

Z^^7. How! 

Foib. O what Luck it is, Sir Rowland, that you were prefent 
at this Jundlure ! This was the Bufinefs that brought Mr. Mi- 
rabell difguis'd to Madam Millamant this Afternoon. I thought 
fometbing was contriving, when he ftole by me and would have 
hid his Face. ^ 

Lady. How, how! — I heard the Villain was in the Houfe 
indeed, and now I remember, my Niece went away abruptly, 
when_^irJZ^i^__wa^_tQjiaYe made his Addreilcs. Fotb. 

The Way of the World. 54 

Foib, Then, then Madam, Mr Mirabell waited for her in her 
Chamber, but \ wou'd not tell your Ladyflnp to difcompofeyou 
when you were to receive Sir Rowland, 

Wait, Enough, his Date is (hort. 

Foib, No, good Sir Rowland^ don't incur the Law. 

Wait. Law.' I care not for Law. I can but die, and 'tis in a 
good Caufe My Lady fhall be fatisfy'd of my Truth and In- 
nocence, tho^ it coft me my Life. 

Lady, No, dear Sir Rowland y don't fight, if you (hou'd be 

kill'd I muft never (hew my Face ^ or hang d, ^ O Confider my 

Reputation, Sir Rowland — =No you (han't figJit, I'l'go in 

land examine my Niece ^ I'll make her confefs. 1 conjure you Sic 
Rowland by all your Love not to fight. 

Wait, I am charm'd Madam^ I obey. But fome Proof you 
muft let me give youj -FU go for a black Box, which con- 
tains the Writings of my whole Eftate, and deliver that into your 

Lady, Ay dear Sir Rowland^ that will be fome Comfort j 
bring the black Box. 

Wait. And .may I prefume to bring a Contract to be fign'd 
this Night ? May I hope fo far ? 

Lady. Bring what you wilU but come alive, pray come alive. O 
this is a happy Difcovery. 

Wait. Dead or alive 111 come and married we will be in 

fpight of Treachery i ay and get an Heir that fhall defeat thclaft 
remaining Glimpfe of Hope in my abandon'd Nephew. Come, 
my Buxom Widow. 

E'er long you Jhall fubfiantial T roof receive 

That Im an arrant Knight 

Foib. Or arrant Knave. \Exeunt. 

A C T V. S C E N E I. 

[Scene Continues.'] 

Enter Lady Wifhfort and Foible. 

L^^./^UT of my Houfe, out of my Houfe, thou Viper j 
\J thou Serpent,, that I have fofter'd, thou bofomTm^ 
trcfs, that I rais'd from nothing — Begon begon, begouj go, go, 

That I took from wa(hing of old Gaufe and weaving of dead 


5^ The Way of the World. 

Hair, with a bleak blue Nofc, over a Chafing-dijfli of ftarv*d * 
Embersj and Dining behind a Traver's Rag, in a Shop no bigger 
than a Bird-cage, — -go, go, ftarve again, do, do* 

Foih, Dear Madam, Fll beg Pardon on niy Knees. 

Lady. Away, our, out, go fee up for your felf again do, 

drive a Trade, do, with your Three penny Vv'ojch of fmall Ware, 
flaunting upon a Packthread, under a Brandy-lcUers Bulk, or a- 
gainft a dead Wall by a Ballad-monger. Go, hang out an old 
Prifoneer 'gorget^ wich a Yard of Yellow G?/^^r/^^;^ again-, doj 
an old gnaw'd Mask, Two Rows of Pins and a Child*s Fiddle-, 
A Glafs Necklace with the Beads broken, and a Quilted Night- X 

cap with one Ear. Go, go> drive a Trade, Thefe were 

your Commodories, you treacherous Trull, this was your Mer- 
chandize you dealt in, when i took you into my Houfe, plac'd 
you next my felf, and made you Governante of my whole Fa- 
mily. You have forgot this, have you ? Now you have feather'd 
your Neft. 

Foib. No, no, dear Madam. Do but hear me, have but a Mo- 

m:!it's Patience -ril confefs all. ^ix. Mirabell feduc'dmcj 

I am notthefirftthathe has wheadl'd with his diflcmblingTongucs 
Your Ladifhip's own Wifdom has been deluded by him, ^chen how 
fl)oa d I, a poor Ignorant, defend my felf? O Madam, If you 
knew but what he promis'd mej and how he aflur'd me your La- 

difhip fliou'd ceme to no Damage -Or clfe the Wealth of the 

Indies (hou'd not have bribed me to eonfpire againft fo Good, fo 
Sweet, fo kind a Lady as you have been to me. 

Lady, No Damage? What to betray me, to marry me to a 
Caft-ferving-Manj to make me a Receptacle, an Hofpital for a 
decay 'd Pimp ? No Damage? O thou frontlefs Impudence, more 
than a big-belly*d Adrefs. 

Foik Pray do but hear mc Madam, he cou'd not marry your 

Ladilhip, Madam ^ -No indeed his Marriage was to have been 

void in Law j for he was marry'd to me firft, to fecurc your La- 
difliip. He cou'd not have bedded your Ladiftiipj for if he had 
confummated with your Ladifhip, he muft have run the rifque of 
the Law, and been put upon his Clergy f Yes indeed, I en- 
quired of the Law in that cafe before I wou'd meddle or make. 

Lady, What, then I have been your Property, havcl? I have 

been convenient to you it fecms, while you were catering for 

Mirabelli I have been Breaker for you? What, have you made 
a paffive Bawd of me? — - — this exceeds all Precedent 5 I am 
brought to fine Ufcs, to become a Botcher of fccond-hand Mar- 

the Way of the JVorld. 57 

riages, htt'^^n Ahigails Andrews ! HI couple you. Yes, TU 
bade you together, you and your Thilander. I'll Tiukes-Tlace 
you, as Fm a Perlbn. Your Turtle is in Cuftody already : You 
fhall Coo in the fame Cage, if there be Conftable or Warrant in 
the Parifli. \Exif. 

Foib. O that ever I >yas born, O that I was ever marry 'd, 

a Bride, ay I (hall be a Bridewell^'^ndc. Oh ! 

Enter Mrs. Famall. 

Mrs. Fain. V oot Foible^ what's the matter? 

Foib. O Madam, my Lady's gone for a Conftable j J fhall be 
had to a Jufticc, and put to Bridewell to beat Hemp*, poor Pf^ait- 
well's gone to Prifon already. 

Mrs. Fain, Have a good Heart, Foible^ Mirabeli*s gone to give 
Security for him, this is all Marwood's and my Husband's doing. 

Foib. Yes, yes-, I know it. Madam > (he was in my Lady's 
Clofet, and over-heard all that you faid to me before Dinner. She 
fent the Letter to my Lady, and that miffing EfFeft, Mr. Fainall 
laid this Plot to arreft JVaitwell^ when he pretended to go for 
the Papers > and in the mean time Mrs, Marwood declar d all to 
my Lady. 

Mrs. Fain. Was there no Mention made of me in the Letter? 

:My Mother does not fufped my being in the Confederacy? 

I fancy Marwood hzs not told her, tho* (he has told my Husband. 

Foib. Yes, Madam j but my Lady did nof^fee that Part: We 
ftifled the Letter before (he read fo far Has that mifchievous De- 
vil told Mr. Fainall of your Ladifhip then ? 

Mrs. Fain. Ay, alPs out, my Affair with Mirabelly every thing 
difcover'd. This is the laft Day of our living together, that's my 

Foib. Indeed Madam, and fo *tis a Comfort if you knew all, — 
he has been even with yourLadi(hip5 which I cou'd have told you 
long enough fincc, but I love to keep Peace and Quietnefs by my 
good Will .• I had rather bring Friends together, than fet 'cm at 
Diftance. But Mrs. Marwood and he are nearer related than ever 
their Parents thought for. 

Mrs. Fain. Say'it thou fo. Foible? Canfl: thou prove this? 

Foib. I can take my Oath of it, Madam, fo can Mrs. Mincing^ 
we have had many a fair Word from Wadam Marwood^ to con- 
ceal fomethingthat pafs'd in our Chamber one Evening when yoii 

^crc 2.t Hide 'Park ; and wc were thought to have gone a 

Walking: But we went up unawares, ^ — -tho* wc were fworn td 
Sccrcfic too j Madam Marwood took a Bgok and fwore us upoh 

I ^ it: 

58 The 0^ay of the World 

it: But It was but a Book of Verfes and Poems, — — So long^as ' » 
it was not a Bible-Oathv we may break it with a fafc Confcience, 
Mrs. Fain. This Difcovery is the moft opportune Thing I cou'd 
wifli. ow Mmcmg? 

Er^ter Mincing. 

Mine. My Lady wou'd fpcak with Mrs. Foible^ Mein, Mr. Mi- 
rabel/ is with her^ he has fet your Spoufe at liberty, Mrs. Foible^ 
and wou'd have you hide your felf in my Lady's Clofet, *till my 
old Lady's Anger is abated. O, my old Lady is in a perilous 
Paffion, at fomething Mr. Fainall has faid, he fwears, and my 
old Lady cries. There's a fearful Hurricane I vow. He fays Mem^ 
how that he'll have my Lady's Fortune made over to him, or 
he'll be divorc'd. 

Mrs. Fain. Does your Lady and Mirabell know that.^ 

Mine, Yes Mem-^ they have fent me to fee if Sir JVillfuU be 
fober, and to bring him to them. My Lady is rcfolv d to have 
him I think, rather than lofe fueh a vaft Sum as Six Thoufand 
Pound. O, come Mrs. ^V/W^*, I hear my old Lady. 

Mrs. Fain. Foible^ you muft tell Mincing^ that flie mull pre- 
pare to vouch when I call her. 

Foib. Yes, yes. Madam. 

Mine, O yes Mem^ Til vouch any thing for your LadiOiip's Ser- 
vice, be what it will. \Exeunt Mine, and Foib. 
Enter Lady and Marwood. 

Lady, O my dear Friend, how can I enumerate the Benefits 
that I have received from your Goodncfs? To you I owe the time- 
ly Difcovery of the falfe Vows of Mirabell^ to you the Detedi- 
on of the Impoftor Sir Rowland, And now you are become an 
IntercelTor with my Son-in-Law, to fave the Honour of my 
Houfe, and compound for the Frailties of my Daughter. Well 
Friend, You are enough to reconcile me to the bad World, or 
elfc I would retire to Defarts and Solitudesi and feed harmlefs 
Sheep by Groves and purling Streams. Dear Marwood^ let us 
leave the World, and retire by our felves and be ShepherdefTcs. 

Mis. Mar, Let us firft difpatch the Affair in hand. Madam, we 
fiiall have Leifure to think of Retirement afterwards. Here is one 
who is concerned in the Treaty. 

Lady, O Daughter, Daughter, is it poflible thou fhould'ft be | 
jny Child, Bone of my Bone, and Flefh of my Flefli, and as I j 
may fay, another Me, and yet tranfgrefs the moil minute Particle | 
of fcvere Virtue? Is it poffible you ihould lean afide to Iniquity, ) 
who have been caft in the direft Mold of Virtue? I have not on- \ 

7he Way of the World. 


ly been a Mold but a Pattern for you, and a Model for you, af- 
ter you were brought into the World. 

Mrs. Fain. I don't underftand your Ladifhip. 

Lady, Not underftand? Why have you not been Naught? 
Have you not been Sophifticated ? Not underftand ? Here I am 
ruin*d to compound for your Caprices afid your Cuckoldoms. X 
muft pawn my Plate and my Jewels, arid ruin my Neice, and all 
little enough 

Mrs. Fain, I am wrong'd and abus'd, and fo are you. *Tis a 
falfe Accuf^tion, as falfe as Hell, as falfc as your Friend there* 
ay or your Friend's Friend, my falfe Husband. 

Mrs. Mar, My Friend, Mrs. Fainall? Your Husband my Friend, 
what do you mean ? 

Mrs Fain I know what I mean, Madam, and fo do you 5 and 
fo fliall the World at a Time convenient. 

Mrs. Mar. I am forry to fee you fo.paffionate. Madam. More 
Temper would look more like innocence. But I have done. I am 
forry my Zeal to (erve your Ladifliip and Family, (hould admit 
of Mifconftruftion, or make me liable to Affronts. You will 
pardon me, Madam^ if I meddle no more with an Affair, in 
which I am not perfonally concern'd. 

Ladjt.O dear Friend, lam fo afhanVd that you ftiould meet with 
fuch Returns; — — »You ought to ask Pardon on your Knees, 
ungraccfiil Creature-, Qie deferves more from you, than all your 
Life can accompliili O don't leave me deftitute in this Per- 
plexity — No, flick to me, my good Genius. 

Mts.FaifL I tell you, Madam, youVe abusM Stick to you? 

ay, like a Leach, to fuck your beft Blood — ftiell drop off* when 
flie's full. Madam, you fhan't pawn a Bodkin, nor part with a 
Brals Counter, in CompofiBon for me. 1 defie *em all. Let *em 
prove their Afperfions : I know my ownlnnocence, and dare ftand 
by a Trial. . \Exit. 

Lady, Why, if flie fliou'd be innocent, if (he (hou'd be wrong'd 
after all, ha? I don't know v/hat to think, — and I promife you, 

her Education has been unexceptionable 1 may fay it-, for I. 

chiefly made it my own Care to initiate her very Infancy in the 
Rudiments of Virtue, and to imprefs upon her tender Years a 

Young Odium and Averfion to the very Sight of Men, ay 

Friend, (he wou'd ha' (hriek*d if (he had but fccn a Man, 'till (he 

was in her Teens. As Pm a Pcrfon 'tis true She was never 

fuffer'd to play with a Male-Child, tho' but in Coats j Nay her 
very Babies were of the Feminine Gender^ — O, (he never look'd a 

I 2 


6o IheWayoftheW&rld. 

Man in the Face but her own Father, or the Qiaplain, and him 
we made a fliift to put upon her for a Woman, by the help of his ^ 

long Garments, and his fleck Face 5 'till (he was going in her Fifteen. 

Mrs. Mar. *Twas much (he (hould be deceived io long. 
^'Lady, I warrant you, or (he would never have born to have 
been CatechizM by him > and have heard bis long Lefturcs againft 
Singing and Dancing, and fuch Debaucheries 5 and going to filthy 
Plays > and prophane Mufick- meetings, where the Lewd Trebles 
fqiicek nothing but Bawdy, and the B^fes roar Blafphemy. O, 
(he would have fwoon*d at the Sight or Name of an obfcenc Play- .^ 

Book and can I think after all this, that my Daughter can ^ 

be Naught? What, a Whore And thought it Excommunication 
to fet her Foot within the Door of a Flay-houfe. O my dear 
Friend, I can't believe it, no, no> as (he fays, let him prove it, 
let him prove it. ^ 

Mts. Mar, Prove it. Madam What, and have your Name 
proftituted in a publick Court > yours and your Daughter's Repu- 
tation worry'd at the Bar by a Pack of Bawling Lawyers.^ To 
be uflier d in with an O Tes of Scandal; and have your Cafe 
opened by an old fumbling Leacher in a Quoif like a Man Mid- 
wife, to bring your Daughter's Infamy to Light, to be a Theme for 
legal Pun fters, and Quiblers by the Statute^ and become a Jeft, 
agaiaft a Rule of Court, where there is no Precedent for a Jeft in 
any Record 5 not even in T)ojomS''daj^Bo0k : To difcompofe the 
Gravity of the Bench, and provoke naughty Interrogatories in 
more naughty La^ Latin -y while the good Judge tickl'd with 
the Proceeding, fimpers under a Grey Beard, and fidges off and 
on his Cu(hion as if he had {^^Wowd Caiithar ides y or fate upon 

Lady. O, *cis very hard! 

Mrs, Mar, And then -to have my Young Revellers of the 
Temple take Notes, like Prentices at a Conventicle j and after 
talk it all over again in Commons, or before Drawers in an Eating- 

. Lady. Worfe and worfe. 

yii^.Mar, Nay this is nothing; if it would end here 'twere 
well. But it muft after this be confign'd by the Short-hand Wri- 
ters to the publick Prefs^ and from thence be transferred to the 
Hands nay into the Throats and Lungs of Hawkers, with Voices 
nr.ore Licentious than the loud Flounder-man s. or the Woman 
that cries Grey-Pcafei and this y bu muft hear *till you are Mhri'd j 
nay, you muft hear nothing elic for Ibmt Days, 


The Way of the World. 61 

Lady. O, *tis infupportablc, No, no, dear Friend, make it 
up, make it up-, ay, ay, 1*11 Compound. Til give \i£ all, my 

felf and my all, my Ncicc and her all any thing, every 

thing for Compofition. 

Mrs. Mar. Nay, Madam, I advifc nothing, I only lay before 
you, as a Friend, the Inconveniencies which perhaps you have 
overfeen. Here comes Mr. Fainall. If he will be fatisfy'd to 
huddle up all in Silence, I fliall be glad. You muft think I would 
rather Congratulate than Condole with you. 

E?it€r Fainall. 

Lady. Ay, ay, I do not doubt it, dear Marwood: No, no, I 
do not doubt it. 

Fain, Well, Madam ^ I have fufFer'd my felf to be overcome 
by the Importunity of this Lady your Friend 5 and am content 
you (hall enjoy your own proper Eftate during Life^ on Condi- 
tion you oblige your felf never to Marry, under fuch Penalty as 
I think convenient. 

Lady. Never to Marry 

Fain No more Sir Rowlands^- the next Impofture may not 

be^fo timely deteftcd. 

Mrs. Mar. That Condition, I dare anfwer, my Lady will con- 
fent rov without Difficulty 5 (he has already but too much expG- 
rienc'd the Perfidioufncfs of Men. Bcfides, Madam> when we 
retire to our Faftoral Solitude wc ftiall bid adieu to all other ) 

Lady, Ay, that's true 3 but in Cafe of Ncccflity| as pf Health, 
Of fomc fuch Emergency - 

Fain. O, if you are prefcrib'd Marriage, you fliall be confi- ^ 
dcr'd- I will only referve to my felf the Power to chufe for you. 
If your Phyfick be wholfome, it matters i^ot who is your Apo- 
thecary. Next, my Wife (hall fettle on me the Remainder of 
her Fortune, not made over already • and for her Maintenance 
depend entirely on my Difcrction. 

Lady, This is moft mhumanly Savage; exceeding the Barbari- 
ty of a Mujcovite Husband. 

Fain, I learned it from his Czarijh Maj:fl:y's Retinue, in a 
Winter Evcniflj^'s Conference over Brandy and Pepper, amongft 
other Secrets of Matrimony and Policy, as they are at prelcncPra- 
dlis'd in the Northern Heniifph«r€. But this muft be agreed unto, 
and that pofitively. Laftly,! will be endowed in right oi my Wife, 
with that Six Thoufand Pound, which is the Moiety of Mrs.-A//7- 
lamanfs Fortune m voiir PofRlIion: And ^ hich (he has forfeited 

62 The Way of the World. 

Husband, Sir Jonathan Wijhfort) by her Difobedicnce in Con- 
crafting her felf againft your Confent or Knowledge j and by re- 
fufing the ofFer'd Match with Sir JVillfull Witwotidy which you, 
like a careful Aunt, had provided for her. 

Lady. My Nephew was mn Compos aad could nor make his 

Fain. 1 come to make Demands, — I'll hear no Objeftions. 

Lady. You will grant me Time to confider. 

Fain, Yes, while the Inftrument is drawing, to which you muft 
fet your Hand *till more fufficient Deeds can be perfc£tcd, which I 
will take care (hall be done with all poflible fpeed. In the mean 
while, I will go for the faid Inftrument, and 'till my Return you 
may ballance this Matter in your own Difcretion. [£x'/>.Fain. 

Lady. This Infolence is beyond all Precedent, all Parallel i muft 
I be fubjeft to this mercilefs Villain? 

Mrs. Mar, ' Tis fcvere indeed. Madam, that you fliould fmart 
for your Daughter's Wantonnefs. 

Lady. 'Twas againft my Confent that (he marry *d this Barba- 
rian, but (he would have him, tho' her Year was not out. — — Ah ! 
her firft Husband, my Son Langui(h^ would not have carry'd it 
thus. Well, that was my Choice, this is hers-, flie is matched 

now with a Witnefs 1 (hall be mad, dear Friend, is there no 

Comfort for me? Muft I live robe conlifcated at chis Rebel-rate? 

— Here cpme two more of my Egyptian Plagues too. 

Enter Milhmant and Sir Willfull. 

Sir WilL Aunt, your Servant. 

Lady. Out Caterpillar^ call Lot me Aunt-, I know thee^not. 

Sir Will. I confels I have been a little in Difguifc, as they fay,- — 
*Sheart! and I'm forry for'r. What would you have? J hope I 

committed no Offence, Aunt and if I did I am willing to 

make Satisfaflbion and what can a Man fay fairer ? If I have 
broke any thing 11! pay for't, an it eoft a Pound. And fo let that 
content for what\s pa(l:, and make no more Words. For what's 
to come, to plcaftire you I'm willing to marry my Coufin. So pray 
let s all be Friends, (he and I are agreed upon the Matter before a 

Lady. How's this, dear Neice ? Have I any Comfort ? Can 
this be true ? 

Milla. I am content to be a Sacri(ice to your Repofe, Madam j 
ind to convince you that I had no Hand in the Plot, as you were 
mifinform'd , I have laid my Commands on Mirabell to come in 
Perfon, and be a Witnefs that I give my Hand to this Flower of 
Knighthood i and for the Contradt that pafs'd between Mirabell 

7he Way of the World. 63 

and me, I have oblig'd him to make a Refignation of it in your 
Ladifliip's Prefencei— — He is without, and waits your leave 
for Admittance. 

Lady, Well, I'll fwear I am fomething revived at this Tcftimo- 

ny of your Obediences but I cannot admit that Traitor,- -I 

fear I cannot fbrtifie my felf to fupport his Appearance. He is 
as terrible to me as a Gorgon ^ if I lee him I fear I fliall turn to 
Stone, petrifie inceflantly. 

Milla, If you difoblige him he may refent your Refufal, and 
infill upon the Contradl.ftilL Then 'tis the lad time he will be 
ofFenfive to you. 

Lady, Are you fure it will be the laft time? — —If I werefure 
of that (hall I never fee him again? 

Milla, Sir Wtllfull^ you and he arc to Travel togethcr,are you not ? 

Sir JVilL 'Sheart the Gentleman's a civil Gentleman, Aunt, let 
him come in^ why we are fworn Brothers and Fellow-Travellers. 

We are to be Ty lades and Orefies^ he and I He is to 

be my Interpreter in Foreign Parts. He has been Over-feas once 
already j and with provifo that I marry my Coufin, will crofs 'em 

once again, only to bear me Company. *Sheart, 111 call him 

in, an I fet on't once, he fliall come in> and fee who'll hin- 
der him. \jExit,. 

Mrs. Mar, This is precious Fooling, if it would pafs, but I'll 
know the Bottom of it. 

Lady. O dear Marwood^ you are not going? 

Mar. Not far, Madam-, Til return immediately. '[Exit, 
Re-e7Uer Sir Willfull and Miv^hdl. 

Sir Will. Look up, Man, 111 (land by you, \sbud an (he do 

frown, :fhe can't kill youj Bcfides — harkee (lie dare: not 

frown defperately, becaufe her Face is none of her own 5 *Shc3trt 
and (he fliou'd her Forehead wou'd wrinkle like the Coat of a 
Cream-chcefe, but mum for that, Fcllow-Traveller. 

Mira. If a deep fenfe of the many Injuries I have offer'd to fo 
good a Lady 5 with a fincereRemorfe, and a hearty Contrition, can 

but obtain the leaft Glance of CompaiTion, I am too happy, 

Ah Madam, there was a time But let it be forgotten — 

I confefs I have defervedly forfeited the high Place I once held, 
of (ighing at your Feet-, nay kill me nor, by turning from me in 
Difdain, — I comenot to plead for Favour ^ — Nay not for Pardon, 

I am a Suppliant only for your Pity 1 am going where I nc* 

ver (hall behold you more 

Sit Will. How, Fcllow-Traveller !~ You (hall go by your fdf 
then. Mir a. 

€4 Ue Way of the WoM 

Mir a. Let me be pitied firftj and after wards forgotten — 
I ask no more. 

Sir Will, By'r Lady a very reafonable Requeft: and will coft 
you nothing, Aunt — Come, come, forgive and forg<ir Aunt, 
why you mull an you arc a flii^iftian. 

AJira. Confidcr Madam, in rj^^ility, you cou'd not receive 
much Prejudice i it was ah Inrpcent Devicej tho* I confcfs it . 
had a Face of Guiltinefs,-^ — ^Iv/as at moft an Artifice which Love | 
contrived — And Errors Vhilji Love produces have ever been ac- 
counted VeniaL At lealt chini^it is Punifliment enough, that I 
have loft what in my Heart ^ ho|d moft dear, that to your cruel 
Indignationi I have ofFer'd up this Beauty, and with her my 
Peace and Quiet ^ nay all my Hopes of future Comfort. 

Sir Will, An he do*s not move me, wou'd I might never be 
O^the ^orum — An it were not as good a Deed as to drink, to 
give her to him again, 1 wou*d I might never rake Ship- 
ping.-— Aunt, if you don't forgive quickly I (hall melt, I 

can tell you that. My Contradt went no further than a little 

Mouth- Glcw, and that*s hardly dry ^ One doleful Sigh more 

from my Fellow-Traveller and 'tis diflblv*d. 

Lady. Well Nephew, upon your Account — -Ah, he has 

a falfe Inllnuating Tongue Well Sjr5 I will ftiflle my juft 

Refcntment at my Nephew's Rcqueft. 1 will endeavour 

what I can to forget, but on provifo that you refign the 

Contrafl: with niyNeice immediately. 

Mira, It is in Writing and w^ith Papers of Concern 5 but I 
have fent my Servant for it, and will deliver it to you, with all 
Acknowledgments for your tra^ifcendent Goodncfs. 

Lady, Oh, he has Witchcraft in his Eyes and Tongue; 

When I did not fee him I could have brib'd a Villain to bis At 
faflinationj but his Appearance rakes the Embers which have fb 

long lain finother'd in my Breaft. \^Apart?j^ 

Enter Fainall and Mrs. Marwood. 

Fain. Your Date of Deliberation, Madam, is expir'd. Here 
is the Inftrumcnt, are you prepar'd to lign? 

Lady. If i were prepar'd, I am not impower*d. My Neice exerts a 
lawful Claim, having matched her felf by my Direftion to Sir JVtlfiilL 

Fain. That Sham is too grofs to pafs on me tho' 'tis im- 
posed on you. Madam. 

Milla, Sir, I have given my Confent. 

Mira. And, Sir, I have rcfign*d my Prctenfions. 

Sir WilL And, Sir, I aflert my Right 3 and will maintain it in defiance 


The Way of the World. 65 

of 70U Sir, and of your Inftrument. S'heart an you talk of an Inftru- 
ment Sir, I have an old Fox by my Thigh fiiall hack your Inftrument 
of Rum VelUm to Slireds, Sir. It fliall not be fufficient for a Mttti^ 
mus or a Tailor's Meafurc^ therefore withdraw your InftrumentSir, 
or by r Lady I fhall draw mine. 

Lady. Hold, Nephew, hold. 

Milla. Good Sir fVtllfuU refpite your Valour. 

Fai'A, Indeed > Are you provided of your Guard, with your fingic 
Beef-eater there? Br.t I'm prepared for you 5 and Infift upon my farfl: 
Propofal. iou (hall fubmit your own Eftate to my Management, and 
abfolutely make over my Wife's to my fole ufe as purfuant to the 

Purport and Tenor of this other Covenant. 1 fuppofe, Madam, your 

Confent is not requifite in this Gafe^ nor, Mr. Mtra'jell^ your Refigna- 
tion^ nor, Sir Willfully your Right — You may draw your Fox if you 
pleafe Sir, and make a Bear -Garden flonrifh fomewhere elfe: For here 
it will not avail. This, my Lady Wtjhfort^ muftbe fubfcrib'djoryour 
Darling D<iughter s turn'd a-drift, like a leaky Hulk to fink or fwim> 
as (he and the Current of this lewd Town can agree. | 

Lady, Is there no Means, no Remedy, to flop my Ruin? Ungrate- 
ful Wretch ! doft thou not owe thy Being, thy Subfiftance to my Daugh- 
ters For tune? 

Fain, rU anfwer you when I have the reft of it in my PofTeflion. 

Mira, But that you wou*d not accept of a Remedy from my Hand$ 

1 own I have not deferv'd you fhou d owe any Obligation to 

me^ or elfe perhaps I coud advife, 

Lady, O what? what? to fave me and my Child from Ruin, from 
W^ant, I'll forgive all that's paft^ nay I'll confent to any Thing to 
come, to be delivered from this Tyranny. 

Mira. Ay -M^dam ^ but that is too late, my Reward is intercepted. 
You have difposM of her, who only cou d have made me a Compen- 

fation for all my Services 5 But be it as it may, lam refolv'drU 

ferve you, you ftiall not be wrong'd in this Savage manner. 

Lady, How! Dear Mr. Mirabelly can you be fo generous at laft! 
But it is not poflible. Harkee, Til break my Nephew's Match, you 
fliall have my N^ice yet, and all her Fortune 5 if you can but fave nie 
from this imminent Danger. 

Mir a. Will you ? I take you at your Word. I ask no more. I muft 
have leave for Two Criminals to appear. 

Lady, Ay, ay, any body, any body. 

Mir a. FoibU is one, and a Penitent. 

Enter Mrs, Fainall, Foible^ Mincing. 

Mrs.A/^r.O my Shame ! thefe corrupt things are ^bAii^jtnd Lady go t§ 
bought and brought hither to cxpofc me. \t0 Fain. \ A/r/.Fain. and 'toih. 

66 The Way of the World. 

Fain. If it mufl: all come out) why let 'em know it, 'tis but the fFay 
of the World. That fliall not urge me to relinquifli or abate one Tittle 
of my Terms, no, I will infift the more. 

Fotb, Yes indeed Madam > I'll take my Bibk-oath of it. 

Lady. O MarwoodyMarwoody art thou falfe? my Friend deceive me > 
Haft thou been a wicked Accomplice with that profligate Man ? 

Mrs. A/kr. Have you fo much Ingratitude and fnjuftice, to givc^ 
Credit againft you Friend,to the Afperfions of Two fuch mercenatryTruls ? 

I^inc, Mercenary, Mem} 1 fcorn your Words. Tis true we found 
you and Mr. Fainall in the blue Garret ^ by the fame Token, you 
fwore us to Secrefie upon Me ff almas' ^ Poems. Mercenary? No, if we 
wou'd have been Mercenary, we ftioud have held our Tongues 5 You 
wou'd have brib'd us fufBciently. 

Fahk. Go, you are an Infignificant thing. Well, what arc 

you th^ better for this! is this Hv.Mirabelts Expedient? Til be put 

off no longer -You Thing that was a Wife, fliall fmart for this» 

I will not leave thee wherewithal! to hide thy Shain^ : Your Body fhall 
be Naked as your Reputation. 

Mrs. Fain. I defpife you, and defie your Malice You have af- 

pers'd me wrongfully 1 have proved your Falflihood Go 

you and your treacherous — 1 will not name it, but ftarve to- 
gether Pcrifli. \ 

Fain. Not while you are worth a Croat, indeed my Dear. Madam, 
rii be fool'd no longer. 

Lady. Ah Mr. Mirabelly this is fmall Comfort, the Detection of 
this Affair. 

Mir a. O in good time Your leave for the other Offender 

and Penitent to appear, Madam. 

Enter Waitwell with a Box of Writings. 

Lady. O Rowland ^ Well, Rafcal. 

Watt. What yourLadifliippleafes. — I have brought the Black-Box 
at lafl, Madam. 

Mira. Give it me. Madam, you remember your Promife. 

Lady. I, dear Sir ! 

Mira, Where are the Gentlemen? 

Wait. At hand Sir, rubbing their Eyes, — — Juft rifen from Sleep, 
Fain. S'dcath what's this to me? Til not wait your private Concerns. 

Enter Petulant and Witwoud. 
7et. How now? What's the matter? who's Hand's out? 
Wit. Hey day ! what are you all got together, like Players at the 
End of thelafl Aft? 
Mira. You may remember. Gentlemen, I once requcftcd your hands 

The Way of the World. 6j 

Wit. Ay I do, my Hand I remember Tetulant fet his Mark, 

Mir. You wrong him, his Nameis fairly written, as (hall appear — 
You do not remember. Gentlemen, any thing of what that Parch- 
ment contain d {Undoing the Box. 

JVtt. No. Tet. Not I. I writ, I read nothing. 

Mira. Very well, now you fliall know Madam, your Promife. 

Lady, Ay, ay. Sir, upon my Honour. 

Mira, Mr. Bainall, it is now Time that you fliou*d know, that your 
Lady, while (he was at her own Difpofal, and before you had by your 
Inlinuations wheadl'd her out of a pretended Settlement of the great- 
eft Part of her Fortune 

Fatn. S\v\ pretended! 

Mira. Yes, Sir. I fay that this Lady while a Widow, having it , 
feems receiv'd fome Cautions refpeding your Inconftancy and Tyranny 
of Temper, which from her own partial Opinion and Fondnefs of 
you (he cou*d never have fufpeded— Ihe did, I fay, by the wholefomc 
Advice of Friends and of Sages IcarnM in the Laws of this Land, de- 
liver this fame as her Ad: and Deed to me in Truft, and to the Ufes within 
mention d. You may read if you "^1^2^^— [Holding out the parchment ^ 
tho* perhaps what is infcrib'd on the Back may ferve your Occa(ions. 

Fain, Very likely, Sir. What's here? Damnation .> 
\^Reads^ A T>€ed of Conveyance of the whole EJiate real of Arabel- 
la Langui(h, Widowy in 2>«/?Xtf Edward Mirabell, 
Confufion ! 

Mira, Evenfo, Sir 5 'tis the Way of the Worlds Sir^ of the Wi- 
dows of the World. I fuppofe this Deed may bear an elder Date than 
what you have obtain d from your Lady. 

Fain. Perfidious Fiend! then thus Til be revcng'd. 

[Offers to run at Mrs. Fain. 
SixWilL Hold, Sir, now you may make your Bear -Gar den Flou- 
ri(h fomewhere elfe. Sir. 

Fain, Mirabell^ you (hall hear of this. Sir, be fure you (hall. 

Let me pafs, Oaf [Exit. 

Mrs. Fain. Madam, you feem to ftifle your Rcfentment : You had 
better give it Vent, 

Mrs. Mar. Yes, it (hall have Vent -and to your Confufion, or 

rU pcrilh in the Attempt. [Exit. 

Lady. O D^iUghter, Daughter, 'tis plain thou haft inherited thy 
Mother s Prudence. 

Mrs. Fain. I hank Mr. Mirabell^ a cautious Friend, to whofe Ad- 
vice all is owirg. 
Lady. Well A'k. Mirabell, you hkvc kept your Promife—- and I mvft 


6% The Way cf the World. 

perform faine.-^ Firfl I pardon for your fake ^'iv Rowland there and 

f oihlcy ^The next thing is to break the Matter to my Nephew — 

and how to do that 

Mira. For that. Madam, give your felf no Trouble, -let me 

have your Confent— Sir WiUfull is my Friend 5 he has had Cdmpafli-. 
on upon Lovers, and generoully engagd a Volunteer in this Adion, 
tor our Service, and now defigns to profecute his Travels. 

Sir Pf^tlL *Sheart, Aunt, I have no mind to marry. My Coufin s a 
fine Lady, and the Gentleman loves her and fhe loves him, and they 
deferve one another 5 my Refolution is to fee Foreign Parts — I have fet 
on*t — and when Tm fet on*t, I muft do*t. And if thefe two Gentle- - 
men wou'd travel too, I think they may be fpar'd. 

Tet, For my part, I fay little 1 think things are beft off or on. 

IVit. I gad I underftand nothing of the matter, d*m in a Maze 

yet, like a Dog in a Dancing School. 

Lady. Well Sir, take her, and with her all the Joy I can give you. 

Milla. Why does not the Man take me? Wuu d you have me give 
my felf to you over again ? 

Mir a. Ayj and over and over again ^ \KtJfes her Hand?\ I would 
have you as often as poflibly I can. Well, "Heav n grant 1 love you 
not too well, that s all my Fear. 

Sir fVilL 'Sheart youli have him time enough to toy after youVc 
marry *d^ or if you will toy now, let us have a Dance in the mean 
time, that we who are not Lovers may have fome other Employment 
befides looking on. 

iV//>^.With all my heart^dear Sir WHlfull; what flia 11 we dofor Mufick> 

Foil?. O Sir, fome that were provided for Sir iJ^'^^V^i/'s Entertain- 
ment are yet within Call. S^A^Dance. 

Lady, As I am a Perfon I can hold out no longer 5 — I have wafted 
my Spirits fo to Day already, that I am ready to (ink under the Fa- 
tigue 5 and I cannot but have fome Fears upon me yet, that my Son 
Fainall will purfue fome defperate Courfe. 

Mira. Madam, difquiet not your felf on that account 5 to my know- 
ledge his Circumftances are fuch, he muft of Force comply. For my~ 
p^rt 1 will contribute all that in me lyes to a Reunion; In the mean 
time, Madam, [To Mrs. Fain.] let me before thefe Witneffes reftorc 
to you this Deed of Truft^ it may be a Means, well managed, to make 
you live cafily together. 

From hence let thofe be warri^dy who mean to wed} 

Left mutual Faljhood ftain the Bridal-Bed: 

For each Deceiver to his Coft may fnd^ 

That Marriage Frauds too oft are paid in kind. fExeum Omnes. 

F i N I S.